Tax Jokes / Recent Jokes
Reporter: Governor Clinton, what damage do you think has been done to your campaign by your wife`s comment the other day about how "Hitler was really a great guy"?
Clinton: (Mixture of sadness and anger, but articulate as always.) Hillary and myself are shocked, outraged, and deeply saddened by this terrible misunderstanding. The media hype is way out of proportion. You guys should know us by now--we would never say anything like that. And though she did say a few things about Germany she certainly didn`t mean anything offensive by her remarks, which I might add have been willfully and shamefully taken out of context and distorted. There is nothing in my life, or Hillary`s life, which can be construed as derogatory toward the German people. We honor them. Some of our best friends are Germans. My own grandmother was one-quarter German. And it certainly isn`t true that Germans are excluded from our country club. In my eleven years as Governor of Arkansas I was more...
The owner of a small New York sandwich deli was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.
"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?"
"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these travel deductions. You listed six trips to Florida for you and your wife."
"Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "It is a legitimate business expense because we also deliver."
Britain's first outdoor playground for the elderly recently opened with dozens of older people flocking to exercise in the winter air. The equipment, set up next to an existing children's playground, includes a static cycling machine, another that mimics the workout given by skiing and others that can be used by wheelchair users. To save taxpayer money, the two playgrounds share the same diaper changing area.
In order to punish your cat for poor behavior, here are a list of items that the cat may write on a chalkboard. A. Fill in the blanks
1. [xxx] is not food.
Dental floss, plants, Kleenex, toilet paper, human’s homework, photographs, shoes, sweaters, socks, the couch, electrical cords/devices, phone cord, vases of flowers, my poop, electric wiring, the rubber fish toy my human drags around for me to play with; rubber bands; Mom’s toe; the HUGE fly; used Q-tips; the other cat’s vomited food.
2. I will not jump on the [xxx].
kitchen counter, table, stove, barbecue, my human’s full bladder at 5: 30 A. M., bed at night, TV, bed from the top of the wardrobe at night.
3. I will not sharpen my claws on the [xxx].
sofa, carpet, drapes, my human’s leg, my human’s boss’s leg, the new speakers, wallpaper, window screen, car tires.
4. I will not pee/poop/barf a hairball on the [xxx].
floor, carpet, sofa, clean laundry, sleeping human, human’s more...
If Microsoft Ran The IRS
"Government should be run like a business." We`ve all heard that chestnut. Here is how the Internal Revenue Service (nobody`s favorite government agency) would be like, if only it were run like Microsoft Corp. (a successful private enterprise).
-- The IRS, as always, announces new tax forms will be mailed the week before the new year. However it will follow Microsoft`s example and actually ship them the following May.
-- Responding to pressure from some large corporations and a users` group, some early copies of the tax forms will actually be released in March. The recipients must sign non-disclosure agreements.
-- In June, the forms will be recalled because the IRS loses a suit for appropriating some other country`s intellectual property.
-- When you move, the IRS will continue to send mail to your previous address forevermore, just like Microsoft sends its product upgrade notices.
-- more...
Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska: 11, 623 Eskimos Can`t Be Wrong!
Arizona: But It`s A Dry Heat
Arkansas: Literacy Ain`t Everything
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
Colorado: If You Don`t Ski, Don`t Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy`s Don`t Own It-Yet
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha`ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave
Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We`re Not, But The Potatoes Sure
Are Real Good
Illinois: Please Don`t Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle more...
The Top 10 Things Overheard In A Tax Preparer's Office Prior To The Tax Filing Deadline
No sir, the government does not want you to pay your taxes in pennies.
I have a hard time believing that a garbage collector made $150, 000 last year so for the last time, DID YOU HAVE ANY OTHER SOURCE OF INCOME!!!
How cute... a tax form done in crayon.
No sir, its do your taxes every year and renew your driver's license every 4 years, not the other way around.
Just because you talk to your plants ma'am, you cannot, repeat CANNOT list them as your dependants.
No Ms Lewinsky, your oval office "contributions" are not the same as when you check the dollar box at the top of your 1040 form.
Even if you are a hooker, the number of orgasms you've had cannot count as a business expense.
I'm sorry, I'm not sure I follow your "Give me an extension and I'll give you an extension later at my place" more...