Texan Jokes / Recent Jokes

Two big Texans were sitting at a bar when a young lady nearby began to choke. As she gasped and gagged, one Texan turned to the other and said, "Looks like that little gal over thar is havin' a bad time. I'm gonna git on over thar and help."
He ran over to her, held her head in his big hands and asked, "Kin ya swaller?"
Still gasping, she shook her head no. He immediately yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. She was so shocked that she coughed up a piece of burger and finally was able to breathe on her own.
The Texan then strode back to his seat and said to his friend, "Ain't it amazin' how that hind-lick maneuver works every time!"

Three guys go into a bar: a guy from Dallas, a guy from San Francisco, and a guy from Boulder. They drank and got a little rowdy. Suddenly, completely without warning, the Texan grabbed a bottle of tequila, unscrewed the top, took a good swig, and threw the bottle into the air. He then jerked a Colt. 45 pistol out of his pocket and shot the bottle, spraying tequila all over everything and everybody. The patrons at the bar shouted, “Hey, bud, why’d you waste that tequila? ” The Texan said, “Heck, it’s just tequila. Us Texans go across the border all the time and get all the tequila we want. ” Not to be outdone, the Californian whipped out a corkscrew and uncorked a bottle of wine. He poured some into a glass, swirled it, sniffed, commented on the tart insolence of its bouquet, sipped, tossed the bottle in the air, nicked it with a round from a silly little chrome-plated pistol, and showered a couple of patrons at the bar with wine. The patrons, upset by the casual waste and more...

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.

The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says,"Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice at large!"

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says,"We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.

He asks,"And what are those?"

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look,"Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

A big Texan ambles into a Dallas men's room and does a double-take at the little guy standing at the next urinal. He's holding his "snake" with two hands and smiling.

The Texan asks "How long is that snake fella?"

"14 inches."

"Is that 14 inches soft?"

"Yes."

"Well how long is it when it's hard?"

The little guy answers proudly, "I don't know - it takes so much blood, I faint!"

An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says " Were having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive"The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers "God Save The Queen" and jumps. The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France" and he also jumps. This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers "Remember the Alamo" and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.

As everyone knows, everything is bigger in Texas. The roads are bigger, the
trees are bigger, and the wide open spaces are, well, wider. Texans wear
the biggest hats, the biggest boots, and drive the biggest cars.
One day, a Texan died and went to heaven. He was met at the pearly gates by
none other than St. Peter, who proceeded to give him a tour of the wonders
of heaven.
The Texan, however, was not impressed. St. Peter showed him the most
beautiful rivers, and the Texan said that they were bigger in Texas. St.
Peter revealed to him the majesty of mountains, but the Texan reminded him
that they were just as good, if not better, back in Texas. St. Peter showed
him the glory of the stars (they shine brighter in Texas), the enormity of
the sunrise (you haven't seen it until you've seen it in Texas), and the
simple wonder of a doe and a fawn drinking at a lake at sunset (reminiscent
of Lake Texarkana, only not as pretty). more...

A Texan, while visiting Toronto, found himself in the back seat of a taxi cab on the way to his hotel. Passing by the Royal York the Texan asked the cab driver "Whats that building there?" "Thats the Royal York Hotel" replied the cabbie. "The Royal York? How long did it take to build that?" asked the Texan. "About 12 years" replied the cabbie."12 years? We build em twice as high, twice as wide and four times as long down in Texas, and we do that in six months." A while later the cab driver makes his was past the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre. "Whats that building over there?" asked the Texan. "Thats the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre" replied the cabbie. "Convention Centre? How longd it take to build that?" asked the Texan. "About three years" replied the cabbie. "Three years? We build em twice as high, three times as long and four times as wide as that down in Texas, and it only takes us more...