Texas Jokes / Recent Jokes

A Canadian is on vacation and walks into a bar.
He sits on this HUGE stool and says to the bartender’ man, I heard things are big down here in Texas, but this is ridiculas! ’ and orders a mug of beer.
He gets a pitcher of beer and asks the bartender, ‘man, I heard that things are big down here in Texasm but this is ridiculas! ’ and goes about drinking his beer. He orders another and he gets really pissed drunk.
Well, not too long later, he has to go to the bathroom really, really bad so he asks the bartender, ‘Where is your washroom??? ’ The bartender says, down the hall, second door on the right. ’
So the man climbs off the stool and stumbles down the hall and enters the second door to the left and falls in this huge swimming pool.
The man is struggling to stay afloat and screams ‘DON’T FLUSH IT!!!

There was this little girl whose name was Texas and then there was a teenage boy who just recently got out of a Detention Center for murder. It was the kids birthday and for some odd reason his mother got him a knife but told him to be Extra careful with it! Texas had her first day of school she had just moved and when the teacher asked her what her name was, she replied "Texas." Of course the teacher didn't believe her so she sent her home for lying. On her way home she bumped into the boy who had the knife in his hand. He roughly told her that if she didn't tell him her name he would kill her. SHe repilied "my name is Texas." He stabbed her once and ran home. When he walk in the door his mom asked him what he did with his knife today. He told her, "It's deep in the heart of TEXAS!"

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and
announced that his wife had just produced a typical Texas
baby, weighing a whopping twenty pounds.
"WOW!" was the response from everyone at the bar.
Two weeks later the Texan returned to the bar. The bartender
recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the baby
that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weighnow?"
The proud father answered, "10 pounds."
The bartender said, "Why? I know that babies lose some
weight after birth, but ten pounds? He did weigh twenty
pounds, didn't he? What happened?
The proud Texas father said, "Just had him circumcised!"

A Texan in New York City needed to call a nearby community from a pay phone.
"Deposit $1.85 please," instructed the operator. Pulling himself up to full
height and dropping into his thickest Texas drawl, he objected, "Ma'am, I'm
from Texas, and in Texas we can place a call to Hell and back for $1.85!"
"I understand, sir," retorted the operator, "but in Texas, that's a local call."
Dave Dodson
Richardson, TX

A Texan is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Texan just shrugs, "That's about average down home, folks...like I said, my boy's a typical Texas baby boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"! were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you; so how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, and more...

...a texas appeals court has ruled that the government had no right to remove the FLDS children from their ranch compound...the court has ruled that they should be returned to their mother...and their brothers & sisters...and to their 12 other moms...and whichever one of them is "dad".

Back in the Old West three Texas cowboys were about to be hung for cattle rustling. The lynch mob brought the three men to a tree right at the edge of the Rio Grande. The idea was that when each man had died, they'd cut the rope and he'd drop into the river and drift out of sight They put the first cowboy in the noose, but he was so sweaty and greasy he slipped out, fell in the river and swam to freedom. They tied the noose around the second cowboy's head. He, too, oozed out of the rope, dropped into the river and got away. As they dragged the third Texan to the scaffold, he resisted, "Please! Would yaw'l tighten that noose a little bit? I can't swim!"