Texas Jokes / Recent Jokes

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me."

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1, 000 or 1, 500 yards, whichever comes first."

And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the' Skins say "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too."

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius.. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss goodbye."

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how more...

March 1 Wall Street Journal
Reprinted without permission
Edited for content
BEFUDDLED PC USERS FLOOD HELP LINES, AND NO QUESTION SEEMS TO BE TOO BASIC
AUSTIN, Texas - The exasperated help-line caller said she couldn't get her new Dell computer to turn on. Jay Ablinger, a Dell Computer Corp. technician, made sure the computer was plugged in and then asked the woman what happened when she pushed the power button.
"I've pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens," the woman replied. "Foot pedal?" the technician asked. "Yes," the woman said, "this little white foot pedal with the on switch." The "foot pedal," it turned out, was the computer's mouse, a hand-operated device that helps to control the computer's operations.
Compaq's help center in Houston, Texas, is inundated by some 8,000 consumer calls a day, with inquiries like this one related by technician John Wolf: "A frustrated customer more...

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and announced that his wife had just produced a typical Texas baby, weighing a whopping twenty pounds."WOW!" was the response from everyone at the bar.Two weeks later the Texan returned to the bar. The bartenderrecognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now?" The proud father answered, "10 pounds."The bartender said, "Why? I know that babies lose some weight after birth, but ten pounds? He did weigh twenty pounds, didn't he? What happened? The proud Texas father said, "Just had him circumcised!"

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds.
"Wow! Twenty pounds!" exclaimed many at the bar as they congratulated the proud father.
Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answered, "10 pounds."
The bartender said, "Why, what happened? Didn't he weigh twenty pounds at birth?"
The proud Texas father said, "Yup... just had him circumcised!"

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1, 000 or 1, 500 yards, whichever comes first."

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me."

And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." (1996)

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."

Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair up in groups of three, more...

A guy from Texas passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow, but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.How can you tell if a Louisiana redneck is married? There's dried tobacco juice on both sides of his pick-up truck.Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Oklahoma to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Texas? Documentaries.Where was the toothbrush invented? Mississippi. If it had been invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teeth brush.A Georgia State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-75 and says to the driver, "Got any I.D.?" and the driver replies "Bout wut?"Did you hear about the $3 million Arkansas State Lottery? The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.The governor's mansion in Alabama burned down! Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss too. Both books - poof! - up in flames and he hadn't more...

NEWS FLASH! - Texas's worst air disaster occurred when a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two A and M University students, crashed into Rosewood cemetery earlier today.
Search and Rescue workers have recov! ered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening. The pilot and copilot survived and
are helping in the recovery efforts.