Texas Jokes / Recent Jokes
NEW YORK (AP)-Seventy-two percent of Americans who believe in
Heaven rate their chances of going there as good to excellent, but
many say their friends' chances are considerably worse, according to a
new poll.
A San Francisco man-wearing a full uniform and carrying a handgun
- impersonated a state fish and game warden for three months,
checking licenses, issuing citations and confiscating fish, officials
say. Brian Anthony Young told The Examiner that he posed as a game
warden out of "boredom and drugs." He said he inspected more than 200
fishermen, boats, restaurants and stores.
At an Oklahoma rally for Republican Senator Don Nickles, Reagan urged
his listeners to support the re-election of Don Rickles.
New Delhi, India (AP)-Police kept 3,000 residents of a southern
Indian village indoors Sunday and put up roadblocks to enforce a
government ban on nude worship of a Hindu deity.
The commission that banned the more...
Police in baytown Texas found an abandand truck that had 1200 pounds of pot in the bed. Turns out the guy got stoned and forgot where he parked it.
An unruly guy in Houston,Texas begged a cop not to Taser him.He kept yelling that he had a plate in his head and couldn't be Tasered.The man panicked and lunged for the cop's Taser,at which point,he was shot dead.So pick your poison Tex.
A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U. S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick-Rule."
The lawyer asked, What is the Texas Three-Kick-Rule?."
The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then more...
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had set their new wives straight on their duties.
The first man had married a woman from Penn. and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house.
He said that it took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from West Virginia. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and cooking.
He told them that the first day he didn''t see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes was done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a Texas girl. He boasted that he told her his house was to be cleaned, dishes washed, the cooking done and laundry washed. And this was all her more...
A number of years ago, a wealthy Texas rancher had a daughter who was about marrying age. But the rancher was afraid that someone would try to marry his daughter just for his money. So he decided to throw a party and invite all of the eligible men. At the party everyone was enjoying Texas longhorn steaks, Lone Star beer, etc.
After a while, the rancher gathered everyone over to his olympic-sized swimming pool. He and his daughter were on one side, all of the eligible men were on the other.
He announced to the men, "I have filled my pool with alligators, crocodiles, piranha, snakes, and all sorts of man-eating vermin. The first young man to jump in and make it across my pool alive receives 1 of 3 things. He may have 10,000 acres of my finest land, 5,000 head of my finest cattle, or my daughters hand in marriage."
Immediately a young man was in the pool, arms flailing, feet kicking, and waves splashing all around. He jumped out of the pool, his shirt, jeans, and more...
A Scottish farmer was in his field digging up his potatoes. An American farmer looked over the fence and said
"In Texas we grow potatoes 5 times larger than that!"The Scotsman replied " Ah but we just grow them for our own mouths son!"