Thief Jokes / Recent Jokes

Lady: Is this my train?
Station Master: No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady: Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New Delhi.
Station Master: No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.
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A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery.
The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order."
The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you, your honor, I'll have a scotch and soda."
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Customer: Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Waiter: Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.
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Customer: Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?
Waiter: Can't you tell the difference by taste?
Customer: No, I can't.
Waiter: Then does it really matter?
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Little Susie came running into the house after school one day, shouting,
"Daddy! Daddy! I got a 100 in school more...

16) Uncle: "When were you born?"

Child: "20th August, by the way when were you born uncle?"

Uncle: "It was fourty years ago, on a Sunday"

Child: "Don't try to befool me, Sunday is a holiday".

17) Mother: "Eat bananas with milk, it will add colour to your face"
Daughter: "But who wants yellow cheeks or a white face".

18) X: "What happened when you teased that girl with the dog?"

Y: "She crossed me as if I were a lamp post but her dog didn't."

19) Teacher: "What is the best way to prevent milk from getting sour?"

Student: " The best way is to leave it in the cow itself."

20) Thief 1: "The police has come, they are already in the lift, let us jump down through the window"

Thief 2: "No, no we are in the 13th floor"

Thief 1: "Hey come on man more...

A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money."

The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said "You cannot do this, I'm a United States Congressman!"

The thief said, "In that case, give me my money!"

A petty thief, a teacher and a lawyer die and go to heaven.

When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who then says, "Sorry, heaven's crowding up, so you need to answer a question correctly, or else you can't get in."

He looks at the teacher, and asks her: "What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?"
"Oh, that's easy," the teacher replied, "the Titanic." So St. Peter let her into heaven.

Next he turned to the petty thief. "How many people died on that ship?" St. Peter asked. "Oooh, that's tough, but I saw the movie, and it was 1, 500." St. Peter stepped away and the thief walked into heaven.

Finally, St. Peter turned to the lawyer.
He simply said to him: "Name them."

Las Vegas -

An accused car thief might have earned an "A" for effort, but he was arrested anyway. Recently, detectives from the repeat offender unit spotted a suspected car thief - identified as Juliano Rosado, 29 - in a new car with a temporary license tag.

A quick call to the dealer revealed the car had been stolen. When the man parked the car, detectives obtained a duplicate key and took the car back. When the man came out of his home, he looked in vain but couldn't find the stolen car.

Police say he then went to another car dealership and stole a pickup truck. The results were the same: Detectives watched him drive off in the truck, then used a spare key to recover the vehicle after the suspect parked and entered a pawnshop. "When he came out he started looking up the street, waiting to see the truck, you could see his shoulders slump when he saw it wasn't there," police said.

Undaunted, he took a public bus to a more...

There is this newly married Chinese couple that decided to make love on their wedding night in the hotel where they held their wedding. The wife did not want to get pregnant and requested the husband to buy a condom from the shop nearby. When the husband went out, the wife waited anxiously in the room with all the lights switched off.
The husband had a hard time looking for a shop that sold condoms and when he finally found one, he realized that he had only one 20 cents coin. He asks the shop owner to sell him one piece of condom and the shop owner asked him which quality he wanted.
"The white condom, lowest quality, is 15 cents each. The black condom, average quality, is 20 cents each. And the purple condom, highest quality, is 25 cents each."
So the husband took the black condom as he had only 20 cents with him. While the husband was out, a black thief came into the room. The wife did not notice and thought that it was her husband. She grabbed the thief and more...

A petty thief, a teacher and a lawyer die and go to heaven.When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who then says, "Sorry, heaven's crowding up, so you need to answer a question correctly, or else you can't get in."He looks at the teacher, and asks her: "What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?""Oh, that's easy," the teacher replied, "the Titanic." So St. Peter let her into heaven.Next he turned to the petty thief. "How many people died on that ship?" St. Peter asked. "Oooh, that's tough, but I saw the movie, and it was 1,500." St. Peter stepped away and the thief walked into heaven.Finally, St. Peter turned to the lawyer.He simply said to him: "Name them."