Thirty Jokes / Recent Jokes
One night a woman is driving down a country road when her car breaks down. Fortunately, there's a farmhouse nearby so she asks the farmer if she can stay there for the night.
"Well," the farmer drawls, y'all can stay here but don't go messin' with my sons, Billy-Bob and Earl."
Looking through the screen she's able to see two young men in their early twenties. "Okay," she says.
After they had all gone to bed for the night the woman starts to get a little horny just thinking about the two young men in the next room. So, she sneaks into their room and says, "Hey boys, how would you like me to teach you the ways of the world?"
"Huh?" ask the puzzled young men.
"There's only one condition," she says. "I don't want to get pregnant so you have to wear these rubbers. She then puts them on the boys and the three of them go at it all night long.
Thirty years later, Billy-Bob and Earl are sitting out on the front more...
Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she make love with you.
Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find your contact lens.
Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first.
Tell the widow that you're the deceasd's gay lover.
Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.
At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo.
Walk around telling people that you've seen the will and they're not in it.
Ask the widow to give you a kiss.
Drive behind the widow's limo and keep honking your horn.
Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can sneak him into the coffin.
Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.
Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.
Leave some phony dog poop on top of the deceased.
Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be read before the funeral is over.
Urge the widow to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone more...
A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.
The man replies, "Come on, a dog?"
The owner says, "Alright, how about a cat?"
The man replies, "No way! A cat can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"
The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!"
The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay. I'll try a centipede."
He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen."
Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away; the countertops cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed.
Then he says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room."
Twenty minutes later, he walks more...
Thirty minutes before a plane landed, its cabin lights came on, indicating to the flight attendants that breakfast could be served.One of the passengers, upset because he was awakened, growled, "Whoturned on the fucking lights!""Oh, no sir," the nearest flight attendant replied. "Those are the breakfast lights. You slept through the 'fucking lights.'"
Rush Limbaugh has challenged MSNBC to go thirty days without mentioning his name. MSNBC responded by challenging Rush to go thirty days without visiting a Krispy Kreme store.
A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final. Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, "Using every applicable thing you''ve learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST."
So, pencils are writing and erasers are erasing, students are preparing to embark on novels proving that this chair doesn''t exist, except for one student. He spends thirty seconds writing his answer, and then turns his final in to the astonishment of his peers.
Time goes by, and the day comes when all the students get their final grades... and to the amazement of the class, the student who wrote for thirty seconds gets the highest grade in the class.
His answer to the question: "What chair?"