Throw Jokes / Recent Jokes

Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet! This diet will also work on humans! Except for cats that eat like people - such as getting lots of table scraps - most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). the Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you’ll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck!

DAY ONE
Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more the. 75 per can - and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.
Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your more...

A preacher was winding up his temperance sermon with great fervor, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And the congregation cried, "Amen!"
"And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river."
And the congregation cried, "Amen!"
"And if I had all the whiskey and demon rum in the world, I'd take it all and throw it in the river."
And the congregation cried, "Hallelujah!"
The preacher sat down.
The song leader stood up very tentatively and announced, "For our closing song, let us sing hymn 365, "Shall we gather at the river."

INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with lef hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat’s head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden more...

Hillary Clinton, Chelsea Clinton, and Bill Clinton are sitting in ahelicopter and Bill starts to think. He sits there for about 15 minutesand finally Hillary asks why he is looking so sad.He says, "I just was wondering what I could do for the poor countries.""Well " says Chelsea, "you could throw $100,000 out the window of thehelicopter. I'm sure that the poor will get some of it."He agrees that it's a good idea and he does.About 5 minutes later he starts thinking again.Hillary asks "Why do you still look so sad? You just threw $100,000 outthe window of the helicopter. That helped a lot of poor people."He says "I still feel like I didn't do enough."She says "Well, Bill, why don't you throw another $100,000 out thewindow? That should make a lot of people happy."Again he says it's a good idea and he does.A few moments later and again he looks unhappy and he says "I stilldon't think I've done enough."This time the more...

Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One.

Bill looks at Al chuckles and says You know I could throw a $10000 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy.

Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says Well I could throw ten $1000 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy.

Hillary tosses her perfectly sprayed hair and says Of course then I could throw one-hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy.

Chelsea rolls her eyes looks at all of them and says I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy.

A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.
Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.
A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.
A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it.
When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.
A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.
A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.
And the # ONE reason Christmas Trees are better than women
A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little more...