Tips Jokes / Recent Jokes

BUTTERBALL TURKEY TALK-LINE' GREATEST HITS'

(or,' Memorable Moments in Talk-Line History;' or,' Out of the Mouths of.... Turkey Trauma Victims')

Over the years, the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line staff have had their share of memorable calls -- inquiries that stand out from the crowd because they're heartwarming or amusing. We asked some of the veteran staff members to tell us their favorites; plus, we rounded up a bunch of our own personal favorites from the Talk-Line archives. Its hard to beat the call from a trucker who planned to cook his Thanksgiving turkey on the engine of his truck ('Will it cook faster if I drive faster?'), but some of these come pretty close. Warning: do not attempt to adjust your screen -- these are real incidents, true stories -- from the front lines!

* Home alone, a Kentucky woman was in the doghouse when she called the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line. While preparing the turkey, her Chihuahua jumped into the bird's body cavity more...

I hate this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism and
forced frivolity, but because it's the season when the food police
come out with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get
through the holidays without gaining ten pounds. You can't pick
up a magazine without finding a list of holiday do's and don'ts.
Eliminate second helpings, high calorie sauces and cookies made
with butter, they say.
Fill up on vegetable sticks, they say.
Good grief. Is your favorite childhood memory of Christmas a
carrot stick?
I didn't think so. Isn't mine, either. A carrot was something you
left for Rudolph.
I have my own list of tips for holiday eating. I assure you, if
you follow them, you'll be fat and happy. So what if you don't
make if to New Year's? Your pants don't fit anymore, anyway.
1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts
carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of more...

You're getting company in 30 minutes. Your house is a mess.

WHAT WILL YOU DO?

SECRET TIP 1: DOOR LOCKS
If a room clearly can't be whipped into shape in 30 days--much less 30 minutes--employ the Locked Door Method of cleaning. Tell anyone who tries to go in the room that the door is intentionally locked. CAUTION: It is not advisable to use this tip for the bathroom.
Time: 2 seconds

SECRET TIP 2: DUCT TAPE
No home should be without an ample supply. Not only is it handy for plumbing repairs, but it's a great way to hem drapes, tablecloths, clothes, just about anything. No muss, no fuss.
Time: 2-3 minutes

SECRET TIP 3: OVENS
If you think ovens are just for baking, think again. Ovens represent at least 9 cubic feet of hidden storage space, which means they're a great place to shove dirty dishes, dirty clothes, or just about anything you want to get out of sight when company's coming.
Time: 2 minutes

SECRET more...

Helpful Tips To Make Life Simpler

Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).

If more...

Very Short Books...1) Outdoor activities in Chernobyl2) Hot Scenic Real-estate opportunities on top of Mt St. Helens3) Investment opportunities in worm futures for the deceased4) Ballerina lessons for men with size 13 or larger feet5) Defensive Driving tips for the Blind6) Contraceptive tips for Nuns7) Delicious Beef Recipes for Hindus8) Mutual Fund Investment strategies for compulsive gamblers9) Cooking with Pork Fat for Vegetarians10) GreenPeace Guide for Buying Quality Baby Seal coats11) GreenPeace Guide to Preparing Fast & Easy Whale Dishes12) Jewish and Arab Friendship Customs13) Human Rights organizations in Libya14) Democracy Debate clubs in Cuba15) Applying for Tibetan Vendors Permits16) Applying for Flight Clearance over The White House17) Guide to Redneck Gay Bars18) Guide to NeoNazis Jewish Friendship Centers19) Famous Native American Judges, Senators and Presidents20) Famous Black Canadian Hockey Players21) Famous Hillbilly Physics22) Guide to apply for Pan Handling Permit more...

Sweeping and Mopping the Floors
Have dog sweep floors with tail and lick up all crumbs...(any stubborn spots that require scrubbing recruit cat... may have to add tuna water to spot). If you don't have a dog or cat... well you are in trouble.... go find one roaming the neighbourhood quick!
Vacuuming
Call for demo from salesman. Have him show you how the vacuum works in all parts of the house... insisting the carpet looks the same... but really is different in all parts of the house. Tips for success: Don't always call same company... keep a chart and rotate.
Dusting
Only do what is at eye level or below. And only right before someone is coming over! Run rag over everything quickly (don't even waste your precious time on the Pledge or Endust... that's minutes away from your computer... and that just is unacceptable!) For the illusion of using those products... spray a few squirts to air like air freshener.
Laundry
First find a good place to hide it! more...

*The following is an excerpt from the July 1943 issue of Transportation. This was serious, and written for male supervisors of women in the work force during World War II - a mere 54 years ago!

There's no longer any question whether transit companies should hire women for jobs formerly held by men. The draft and manpower shortage has settled that point.

The important things now are to select the most efficient women available and how to use them to the best advantage. Here are eleven helpful tips on the subject from Western Properties:

1. Pick young married women. They usually have more of a sense of responsibility than their unmarried sisters, they're less likely to be flirtatious, they need the work or they wouldn't be doing it, they still have the pep and interest to work hard and to deal with the public efficiently.

2. When you have to use older women, try to get ones who have worked outside the home at some time in their lives. Older more...