Tire Jokes / Recent Jokes

It was dusk time when a man had a flat tire right in front of a mental health hospital. After unscrewing the four nuts of the flat tire, he noticed that a hospital patient is watching him from over a nearby embankment. He managed to step on the hubcap in which he had carefully placed the nuts. To his dismay, the nuts went flying into the grass on the side of the road. So he got on his hands and knees and started searching in vain for the nuts in the semi-darkness.A few minutes later he heard the mental patient chuckle, so he shouted at him irritably, "What are you laughing at?"The other guy explained: "Well, you have three other tires, each of which has four nuts... If you were to take one nut from each, you'll end up with four tires being held in place with three nuts per tire. This should be safe enough for you to drive to the next town over, where you can buy a new set of nuts."Embarrassed, the poor car driver couldn't help asking, "How come you're so more...

REJECTED HALLMARK CARDS
1. So your Daughters a hooker and it spoiled your day... look on the bright side, she's a really good lay.
2. My tire was thumping... I thought it was flat... when I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat... Sorry.
3. You had your Bladder removed and you're on the mends... here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of depends.
4. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! Cause when I had mine I felt real snippy.
5. Heard your wife left you... How upset you must be... But don't fret about it... She moved in with me.
6. You totaled your car... and can't remember why... could it have been... that case of Bud Dry

Rejected Hallmark Cards:
So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day... Look at the bright side, she's a really good lay.
My tire was thumping... I thought it was flat... when I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat... Sorry.
You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends... here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.
You've announced that you're gay, won't that be a laugh, when they find out you're one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! 'Cause when I had mine I got real snippy.
Heard your wife left you... How upset you must be... But don't fret about it... She moved in with me.
Your computer is dead... it was once so alive Don't you regret installing Windows 95?
You totalled your car... and can't remember why... could it have been... that case of Bud Dry?

Rejected Hallmark Cards:So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day... Look at the bright side, she's a really good lay.My tire was thumping... I thought it was flat... when I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat... Sorry.You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends... here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.You've announced that you're gay, won't that be a laugh, when they find out you're one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! 'Cause when I had mine I got real snippy.Heard your wife left you... How upset you must be... But don't fret about it... She moved in with me.Your computer is dead... it was once so alive Don't you regret installing Windows 95? You totalled your car... and can't remember why... could it have been... that case of Bud Dry?

Doesn't It Annoy You When...

. .. there's a car alarm nearby that goes on for hours and the owner is nowhere to be found?

. .. you buy an answering machine so you won't miss any calls, and then everyone hangs up when they hear the machine answer?

. .. there's a cop car in sight and everyone thinks they have to drive 10-15 mph slower than the speed limit?

. .. you're reading a magazine and all those annoying little subscription cards keep falling out?

. .. you tell someone that a door is locked and they try to open it anyway, like it'll magically open for them and not you.

. .. someone says, "well, to make a long story short" and then they go on telling it for another 15 minutes.

. .. a friend or family member says "Yuck! This is awful!!" and then tells you to try some.

. .. you have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just looking more...

"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
(P)=PROBLEM (S)=SOLUTION
(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire
(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft
(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage
(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level
(P) Dead bugs on windshield
(S) Live bugs on order
(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground
(P) more...

Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. They decided to party instead. Their biggest exam was on Wednesday and they showed up telling the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study. The professor told them that they could have another day to study.

That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything. Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to two separate classrooms to take the exam. Each boy just shrugged and went to two different parts of the building. As each sat down, they read the directions:' For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom. For 95 points, tell me WHICH tire it was!'