Titanic Jokes / Recent Jokes
In The News - Edited excerpts from the LA Times
Includes some late night humor
WARNING: May be offensive to American Politicians, White House interns, Amtrak, American sports stars, and supermodels.
Well folks, the rain is on hold for a few days, but... Legislators in Sacramento voted to change the state song from "I Love You California" to Paul Simon's "Slip Slidin' Away".
President Clinton says he approaches everything Saddam Hussein says with a great degree of skepticism. Pretty much the same way we approach everything Clinton says. (Letterman)
American forces in the Persian Gulf went back to full alert when Hussein announced he would honor his latest UN inspection agreement as faithfully as Clinton honored his wedding vows.
Newsweek magazine says Monica Lewensky's resume lists one of her duties at the White House as training the new interns. That's not surprising. If you were Bill Clinton, wouldn't YOU want her to train the new intern? more...
What's the difference between the Titanic
and President Bill Clinton?
Only 350 women went down on the
Titanic.
A Shorter, Harsher Titanic
(Scene 1)
KATE WINSLET: Why, this is a fancy boat, isn't it?
KATE'S WEASELLY FIANCE: Yes it certainly is. Here is the art you asked for. It is by an artist named' Picasso.' I am certain he will amount to nothing.
KATE: Ha ha ha. That is very funny to our 90's audience, because they know this priceless paintings will sink with the boat.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO: Hello, I'm Leonardo DiCaprio. Perhaps you have seen the many Internet sites dedicated to the worship of me. You are very pretty.
KATE: Thank you. So are you.
LEONARDO: I know. Prettier than you, in fact. I am going to put on my' brooding' face now, to ensure that women will keep coming back again and again to see this movie. Later, my white shirt will be soaking wet.
KATE: While you're doing that, I will concentrate on standing here and looking pretty, to keep the men in the audience interested until the boat sinks and more...
Some interesting similarities between the Titanic video and the Clinton Grand Jury testimony video:-
Titanic Video: $9.99 on internet
Clinton Video: $9.99 on internet
Titanic Video: Over three hours long
Clinton Video: Over three hours long
Titanic Video: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton Video: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic Video: Villain: White Star Line
Clinton Video: Villain: Ken Starr
Titanic Video: Jack is a starving artist
Clinton Video: Bill is a B.S. artist
Titanic Video: Jack enjoys a good cigar in one part.
Clinton Video: Ditto for Bill
Titanic Video: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined
Clinton Video: Ditto for Monica
Titanic Video: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton Video: Let's not go there
Titanic Video: Rose gets to keep her jewelry
Clinton Video: Monica is forced to return her more...
There wore two jews on the Titanic. They were named Moshe and Jankele. Both of them survived. In the saving boat, Moshe cried and cried. To be friendly to him Jankele said:
'' Why are you crying? The boat wasn't yours.''
The Titanic, on her maiden voyage, just set sail from the shores of England. It was the most magnificent ship ever built, and everybody is very excited. No expense has been spared - the vast dining rooms, casinos, hundreds of neatlygroomed waiters and polite service staff, string quartets, the works. Every night at the bar, they had this magician come on and perform the most wonderfully amazing tricks of conjury the world had ever seen. It's the first night of the voyage, and everyone is eager to see this great man at work, except there was one slight problem. There was this parrot, who'd sit on the bar top by the peanuts, and ruin each trick as the magician performed them. Each time, the parrot would sit quietly until the trick was almost completed, and say things like, "Squark! It's up his sleeve!" or "Sqeeek! He's hidden it in the hat!" etc., and ruin the trick for the magician. Every time, the parrot would do this, and the magician would get madder and madder more...