"In The News - Humorous News Quips" joke

In The News - Edited excerpts from the LA Times
Includes some late night humor
WARNING: May be offensive to American Politicians, White House interns, Amtrak, American sports stars, and supermodels.
Well folks, the rain is on hold for a few days, but... Legislators in Sacramento voted to change the state song from "I Love You California" to Paul Simon's "Slip Slidin' Away".
President Clinton says he approaches everything Saddam Hussein says with a great degree of skepticism. Pretty much the same way we approach everything Clinton says. (Letterman)
American forces in the Persian Gulf went back to full alert when Hussein announced he would honor his latest UN inspection agreement as faithfully as Clinton honored his wedding vows.
Newsweek magazine says Monica Lewensky's resume lists one of her duties at the White House as training the new interns. That's not surprising. If you were Bill Clinton, wouldn't YOU want her to train the new intern? (Leno)
In a recent survey, when teenagers were asked where they can get free condoms, 40% said at a free clinic, 16% said from a friend, and 44% said at the White House gift shop.
President Clinton recently attended four fund raisers in New York. Let me see if I understand... the president attended four fund raisers to raise funds to defend himself for his fund raising scandals...
Lent began Wednesday. This is the 40 day period that honor Jesus' suffering and agony at the hands of a special prosecutor. (Maher)
The US men's hockey team was so upset after being eliminated from the Olympics that members trashed a hotel room. It's the most embarrassing incident about an American sports figure not inviolving biting, choking a coach, double murder or having sex with a flight attendant. (Leno)
At the Grammy Awards, David Letterman was overheard saying, "Marilyn Manson, this is Hanson, Hanson, this is Manson, Manson, Hanson, Hanson, Manson..."
Dr. Jack Kevorkian attended another suicide last week. He's not the only way to go you know... for $10 million, Democrats will poison your White House coffee, let you die in the Lincoln bedroom and bury you at Arlington.
A train in Japan broke the world speed record of 280 mph. This breaks the previous unofficial record of 275 mph set by an Amtrak train. Of course, the Amtrak train was clocked while plummeting off a cliff, so it doesn't really count.
New research says that when it comes to low cholesterol diets, extremes are not good. This comes from the American Pork Rinds Council.
The manager of a Los Angeles waste treatment plant wants to open a sewage museum. Hopefully it isn't interactive. (Cutler Daily Scoop)
Rap star Q-Tip's house in New Jersey caught fire. Fortunately, he was able to escape safely with the rest of his family, A through P Tip.
A recent decision to carry heart defibrillators on airplanes saved a passenger's life on a Dallas flight. Unfortunately, his HMO only covers coronaries on round trip flights purchased 14 days in advance with a Staurday stay over.
Distress signals from the doomed Titanic were auctioned off this week. If you missed out on this deal, another collection of distress calls is available for only $16.99. It's Michael Bolton's new CD of opera arias.
Saxophonist Kenny G recently set a record by playing one note for more than 45 minutes. Now he too is cashing in - he sold the recording to a car alarm company.
I actually waited and watched all the credits of Titanic. Included at the end was this, "No iceburgs were harmed in the making of this film".
Burger King has introduced the Big King sandwich. For an extra 10 cents they sprinkle alfalfa sprouts on top, and call it the Don King.
In Iowa, a jury awarded $80 million to a woman who sued UPS. Unfortunately, the woman wasn't home when they delivered the money, so they left it with a neighbor. (O'Brien)
Investors plan to convert Andy Warhol's old studio into a theme restaurant. It will only be open for 15 m