Tobacco Jokes / Recent Jokes

TOBACCO SETTLEMENT MONEY TO HELP PROTECT KIDS FROM DANGERS OF SMOKING
North Carolina - In accordance with a multi-billion dollar class action settlement against the tobacco industry, The Big tobacco companies have pledged to devote millions to making sure children are not harmed by cigarettes.
While much of the money has been spent on television ads and tobacco education, one company, RJ Reynolds, the parent company for long time children's product staple, Nabisco, has chosen to interpret the terms of the settlement a little differently.
Taking their cue from the cellular phone industry's recent efforts to assure customers that their product can be used safely at all times, RJR has developed the "hands free" cigarette, a product which they envision marketing primarily to children.
"The problem with the youngsters is they are so active" said RJR spokesman Don Buttles. "They're always riding their bikes, or digging in the dirt, or playing catch. more...

Last night, while grocery shopping, I found a rather unusual item on
the shelves. After filling my basket with Stouffer's Yuppie Chow, I
strolled down the cereal aisle, where I saw several boxes of a substance
labeled "Nintendo Cereal System." I suppose I shouldn't be surprised.
After all, cartoon characters have been "endorsing" cereals for years,
so why shouldn't Super Mario Brothers get into the act?
I see tremendous potential here. What better way for an organization
with a sociopolitical agenda to infiltrate the minds and stomachs of
Americans than to deliver its message at the breakfast table? I have
seen the future of public relations, and it is the gastronomic equivalent
of a "sound bite." I, for one, would rather sit down to a bowl of
whale-shaped granola than receive another one of those envelopes from
Greenpeace marked, "Animal Rights Survey Inside-Please Complete and
Return Within Ten more...

Submitted by Jim Porter

Are you a wealthy and successful suit-and-tie yuppie businessman who has always had a secret dream that you would one day become a redneck? Have you always wanted to be a Bubba, but didn? t know how? Well, now you can!

Just follow these instructions. Purchase the following: one pair of overalls, one pack of chewing tobacco and six cases of beer. That? s all you will need to start!

Caution: These instructions MUST be followed in your BUSINESS OFFICE.

1) You are a dignified, well-groomed yuppie executive; therefore, as you read this, it is assumed you are wearing a pair of well-polished $800 Brooks Brothers black dress shoes and silk socks, a $2, 000 pinstriped Armani business suit tailored for you, a $150 silk necktie with matching pocket square and suspenders, a starched white shirt, monogrammed cufflinks, silver tiepin and a Rolex as you read this. FIRST, untie and remove fancy shoes. Peel off socks. DO THIS NOW! Be more...

10. You have named your son as' Baba' and your daughter as' Ratna'.[Baba and Ratna are two popular Zarda (tobacco) brands, in India]

9. You are getting too many offers to act in Dracula films.

8. You threatened to kill the PAAN SHOP guy for giving you a' meetha' (sweet) Paan instead of a Zarda (tobacco) Paan.

7. When there are no Paan shops around, you climb an Eucalyptus tree and start chewing the leaves.

6. Customs people start inspecting your tooth cavities for smuggled goods.

5. Western folks stare at you and ask what dye you used for your teeth?

4. Buffaloes stare at you and wonder why you are also ruminating like them.
3. You accidentally spat on the guy in the Tinopal dress, going for an interview, and he beat the hell out of you.
2. You have been caned in Singapore for littering the streets.
1. Your wife/girl-friend insists that you kiss her on her cheeks.

Are you a wealthy and successful suit-and-tie yuppie businessman who has always had a secret dream that you would one day become a redneck?
Have you always wanted to be a Bubba, but didn't know how?
Is there an inner Cletus inside just hollering to get out?
Well, now you CAN be a redneck!
You will only have to purchase the following: one pair of overalls, one pack of chewing tobacco and six cases of beer. That's all you will need to start!
Caution: These instructions MUST be followed in your BUSINESS OFFICE.
1) You are a dignified, well-groomed yuppie executive with an important professional job; therefore, as you read this, it is assumed you are wearing a pair of well-polished $800 Brooks Brothers black dress shoes and silk socks, a $2,000 pinstriped Armani business suit tailored for you, a $150 silk necktie with matching pocket square and suspenders, a starched white shirt, monogrammed cufflinks, silver tiepin and a Rolex.
FIRST, untie and remove more...