Tomatoes Jokes / Recent Jokes
An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning).
After the test, the manager says, "You will be employed at minimum wage, $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day. Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address.
To this the MS manager replies, "Well, then, that means that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed.
Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25 LB flat of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells all of the tomatoes individually at 100% profit.
Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night. And thus it more...
Next time you're washing your hands and the water temperature isn't justhow you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s.
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children - last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."
Houses had thatched roofs - thick straw - piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and more...
One day two teenagers decided to have sex. So they went to the guys house. He shared a bunk bed with his brother -- being the older, he slept on the top bunk.
The guy said, "If you want it harder say lettuce, if you want a knew position say tomatoes." So they went on with lettuce, tomatoes, lettuce, tomatoes.
The little brother woke up and said, "Would you guys stop making sandwiches? You're dripping mayonnaise on me!"
BONUS DIRTY JOKE:
Q: How did Dairy Queen get pregnant?
A: Burger King Forgot to wrap his Whopper.
Once there was this guy, he was really horny all the time. So one day, he decided to go to a whore house, to buy a whore. He gets there and says "gimmi a whore" And the lady at the desk says " O.K., go down those stairs, take a left and it's the second door on the right." So the guy goes down the stairs, takes a left and goes into the room, second on the right.
So he's waiting there for about 5 minutes, when he sees a bowl of tomatoes on the table. So he picks one up and starts eating it.
The first whore walks in, sees him eating the tomatoe, screams and runs back up stairs. the guy continues eating the tomatoes.
Ten minutes the second whore comes in the room, sees him eating the tomatoes,screams, and runs back up stairs. The guy's like, what the hell? But he's too lazy to get up and see whats going on.
So ten minutes later the third whore walks in, sees him eating the tomatoes, and runs up stairs screaming. Now the guys really weirded out. So more...
New KGB Borscht, by Chef V. Pootine 2 quarts beef stock
3 tablespoons butter
1 cup cabbage, finely chopped
1 cup potatoes, diced
1/2 cup carrots, diced
1 stalk celery, minced
1 onion, chopped
1 1/2 cups canned tomatoes
1/2 cup juice (from can of beets)
1 cup cooked or canned beets, diced
1 teaspoon vinegar
chopped dill or parsley (for garnishing)
dollop sour cream a pinch of radioactive isotope polonium-210 In a large heavy pan, melt butter and lightly sauté cabbage, potatoes, carrots, celery and onion for approximately 5 minutes. Add beef stock. Blend canned tomatoes or press through a sieve until fine. Add pureed tomatoes and beet juice to stock. Cover and simmer over low heat until vegetables are firmly tender but not soft. At this point, add the polonium-210, being careful not to get it on any exposed skin, as you will die. Season well with salt and pepper and serve with a dollop of sour cream to your least favorite person.