Tony Jokes / Recent Jokes

Tony died and was sent to be judged. He was told that he had cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this woman, pretending to be happy.

As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an even uglier woman than he was with. When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money." They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.

Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos saw their friend Jon up ahead, with an absolutely drop more...

Tony went into the fish market to apply for a job.

The boss thought to himself - I'm not hiring that lazy Bronx kid, so he decided to set a test for Tony hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.

The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

Tony says, "Dat's easy" and proceeds to draw three trees.

The boss says, "What in the world is that?"

Tony says, "Tree' n tree' n tree makes nine."

"Fair enough" says the boss. "Second questions, same rules, but represent 99".

Tony stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree.

"Der ya go sir," he says.

The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

Tony answers, "Each tree is dirty now, so more...

Worried that they hadn't heard anything for days from the widow in the apartment next door, the mother said to her son, "Tony, would you go next door and see how Old Mrs. Pierpoint is?"
A few minutes later, Tony returned.
"Well, is she all right?" asked the mother.
"She's fine, but she's rather annoyed with you," remarked Tony.
"At me?" the mother exclaimed. "Whatever for?"
Tony replied, "Mrs. Pierpoint said it's none of your business how old she is."

The impossible wish.
Tony Blair was on holiday. He was walking along a beach one morning when he stumbled upon an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and a Genie appeared.
Tony asked if he got three wishes. The Genie said, "Nope, not these days. I`m only giving out one wish. So...what`ll it be?"
Tony didn`t hesitate. He said, "See this map? I want Israel and the Palestinians to stop fighting with each other and start loving each other instead."
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Are you crazy??? These people have been at war for years! I`m good, but I`m not that good. I don`t think it can be done. So make another wish."
Tony thought for a minute and said, "You know, for some minor reason, a lot of people are beginning not to trust me. It would be terrific if you would make everyone trust me more. That`s my wish."
The Genie thought for a minute and said, "Hmmmmm. Let me see that map again..."

Q. Why are most Italian men named Tony? A. When they got on the boat to America they stamped To NY (Tony) on their foreheads.

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when two people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"
She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."
Little Tony just said, "Oh, okay." and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called bunk beds! Oh, Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you!"

An Italian family is at the dinner table when the father says to his oldest son, "Tony, why you-a such a fat-a fuck?" Tony says, "Poppa, it`s-a Mama`s spaghetti! I can`t-a stop-a eating it." Poppa says, "You should-a take-a smaller bites!" Then Poppa says to his middle son, "Michael, why you-a such a fat-a fuck?" Michael says, "Poppa, it`s-a Mama`s lasagna. I can`t-a stop-a eating it, it`s-a so good." Poppa says, "You should-a also take-a smaller bites." Then Poppa says to his youngest son, "Fredo, how you-a stay so slim-a and-a trim-a?" Fredo says, "It`s-a so easy, Poppa. I eat-a lots and lots of-a pussy." Poppa says, "Pussy? Pussy, that`s-a taste like shit!" Fredo says, "Poppa, You should-a take-a smaller bites!!