Torn Jokes

A plane was shot down over Iraq and Saddam Hussain captured a Scotsman, an Englishman and an Australian. Saddam says, "I`m not as cruel as George Bush says I am. You will be given 50 lashes each, but you can have whatever you want on your back." The Australian goes first, and asks for the finest Kangaroo hide there is to cover his back. This is granted and he receives the kangaroo hide before he receives 50 lashes. His back is all torn and bleeding but he survives. The Englishman says, "I will take it as it comes, I will have nothing on my back and will be proud to bear the scars" he shouts defiantly "Stiff upper lip you know eh what." His wish is granted and he receives his 50 lashes, his back torn and bleeding, his ribs fractured and protruding, a terrible mess to behold. "Now Wee Hughie, it`s your turn, you have the same choice as the other two, what would you like on your back" says Saddam. Wee Hughie replies quickly and without hesitation, more...

What do you call a ghost in a torn sheet? A holy terror.

OPERATION ORDER 12-98
FOR: OFFICIAL VISIT OF LT jg SANTA CLAUS
1. An official staff visit by LT jg Claus is expected at this post on 25 Dec. The following directives govern activities of all Army personnel during the visit.
a. Not a creature will stir without permission. This includes warrant officers and mice. Soldiers may obtain special stirring permits for necessary administrative action through the Battalion S-1. Officer stirring permits must be obtained through the Deputy, Post Plans and Policy Office.
b. All personnel will settle their brains for a long winter nap NLT 2200 hours, 24 December. Uniform for the nap will be; Pajamas, Cotton, Light Weight, General Purpose, OG, and Cap, BDU woodland pattern, with ear flaps in the extended position. Equipment will be drawn from the supply room prior to 1900 hours. While at supply, all personnel will review their personal hand receipts and sign a Cash Collection Voucher, DD Form 1131, for all missing items. Remember, more...

1. An official staff visit by LT jg Claus is expected at this post on 25 Dec. The following directives govern activities of all Army personnel during the visit.

a. Not a creature will stir without permission. This includes warrant officers and mice. Soldiers may obtain special stirring permits for necessary administrative action through the Battalion S-1. Officer stirring permits must be obtained through the Deputy, Post Plans and Policy Office.

b. All personnel will settle their brains for a long winter nap NLT 2200 hours, 24 December. Uniform for the nap will be; Pajamas, Cotton, Light Weight, General Purpose, OG, and Cap, BDU woodland pattern, with ear flaps in the extended position. Equipment will be drawn from the supply room prior to 1900 hours. While at supply, all personnel will review their personal hand receipts and sign a Cash Collection Voucher, DD Form 1131, for all missing items. Remember, this is the "season of giving."

c. more...

A Native American boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.
"Say, Mom, why is my big brother named Mighty Storm?"
"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm," she replied.
"Why is my sister's name Cornflower?" he asked.
"Well, your father and I were in a corn field when we made her," the mother replied.
"And why is my other sister named Moonchild?" he asked.
"We were watching the moonlanding while she was conceived,"
she replied.
"Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"