Touch Jokes / Recent Jokes
Unleash the Power of Shift! Q: My shift keys have little arrows on them. Does that mean the *real* shift keys are located above them, and these keys are just little signs to point them out? A: Nope, they're the Real McCoy. The little arrows mean "up", as in "look up at the screen". Your keyboard is telling you to learn to touch type and quit staring at your fingers.Q: What happens if I press both shift keys? A: Even bigger letters may show up on your screen. You should not use this feature, however, because these letters are also brighter, and may cause Screen Burn-In, which would be particularly embarrassing if you were typing something naughty at the time. You might consider obtaining the author's Shift Key Burn-In Protector program for only $139.95. Or you might not, it's your computer, but don't say I didn't warn you.Q: My religion prohibits the use of shift keys. how can i type capital letters and punctuationA: Discuss alternatives to the shift key with your more...
People are scared to touch your wife's bathrobe.
Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
Four nuns happen to die at the same time and line up at the pearly
gates to enter heaven. St.
Peter says "Before you may pass through the gates sisters, I must ask
you each a question."
He looks at the first nun and says "Sister, have you ever touch a
man's penis?"
The nun holds up her index finger nervously and says "Only with this
one finger St. Peter."
St. Peter takes hold of her finger, dips it in holy water and says
"You may now pass through
the gates into heaven."
St. Peter looks at the second nun and asks "Have your ever touch a
man's penis my dear?"
Holding up her hand, she says,"Only with this one hand your holiness."
So St. Peter takes the sister's hand, dips it in holy water and lets
her walk through the gates.
He then turns and looks at nun #3 when suddenly nun #4 pushes her way
past #3 and
shoves her way up front.
St more...
A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porchtogether, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler. the little boy asked,"Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch yourass?"The little boy answered no. Grandpa said "Then youre not man enough to have a beer."A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" Once again, Grandpa asked, "Can your dick touch yourass?" The little boy answered no, again. Grandpa said, "Then your not manenough to have a cigar." A little later, the little boy came out of thehouse With a cookie. Grandpa asked, "Can I have a cookie?"The boy asked "Can your dick touch your ass?"Grandpa replied, "Hell yeah my dick can touch my ass!" The boy replied,"Then go fuck yourself, Grandma made these cookies for me."
There was a man who owned a very large gorilla and, all its life, he'd never left it on its own. There came a time when he had to go on a business trip and had no choice but to leave his gorilla in the care of his next-door neighbor. He explained to his neighbor that all he had to do was feed his gorilla three bananas a day at three, six and nine o'clock. But, he was never, ever, under any circumstance, to touch its fur.
So, the next day the man came and gave the gorilla a banana. He looked at it for awhile and couldn't understand why he couldn't touch its fur, since there didn't seem to be anything wrong with it. Every day he came in and looked for a little while longer as he still couldn't understand until, about a week later, he'd worked himself into a frenzy and decided that he was going to touch the gorilla. He passed it the banana and very gently brushed the back of his hand against its fur.
Suddenly, the gorilla went ape wild and started to jump around. Then, it turned more...
Camel Died A nun and a priest are riding a camel through the dessert. After a few days the camel falls over dead. After looking over the situation the priest figures neither one of them will survive the rest of the journey. The priest asks the nun "I have never seen a woman's breasts, and at this point it probably wouldn't matter much, so could I see yours?" The nun agrees and shows him her breasts. "May I touch them?" The nun allows him to. The priest comments sincerely how wonderful they are. The nun then asks "Father, I have never seen a man's penis before, could you show me yours? The priest drops his drawers. "May I touch it?" After she fondles his penis for a minute he sports a huge erection. The priest says, "you know if I place my penis in the proper place it can give life!" "Is that right" the nun replies? "Yes," says the priest. So the nun said: "Then why don't you stick it up that camels ass and lets get more...