Touch Jokes / Recent Jokes

One day a grandfather and his grandson were fishing at thier farm pond when the grandfather pulls out some chewing tabacco and starts to chew it. The grandson says "hey grandpa can I have some of that?" The grandpa says," does your dick touch your ass?" He replies. "no." Grandpa says," then you cant have any. Next the grandfather pulls out some whiskey.The grandson says "hey grandpa can I have some of that?" The grandpa says," does your dick touch your ass?" He replies. "no." Grandpa says," then you cant have any.Next he pulls out a cigar. The grandson says "hey grandpa can I have some of that?" The grandpa says," does your dick touch your ass?" He replies. "no." Grandpa says," then you cant have any." Then the grandson pulls out some cookies and the grandpa asks," hey grandson gimme some of those." THe grandson replies," does your dick touch ur ass?" The more...

A nun and a priest are riding a camel through the desert. After a few days the camel falls over dead. After looking over the situation the priest figures neither one of them will survive the rest of the journey. The priest asks the nun "I have never seen a woman's breasts, and at this point it probably wouldn't matter much, so could I see yours?" The nun agrees and shows him her breasts. "May I touch them?" The nun allows him to. The priest comments sincerely how wonderful they are. The nun then asks "Father, I have never seen a man's penis before, could you show me yours? The priest drops his drawers. "May I touch it?" After she fondles his penis for a minute he sports a huge erection. The priest says, "you know if I place my penis in the proper place it can give life!" "Is that right" the nun replies? "Yes." "Then why don't you stick it up that camels ass and lets get the hell out of here!"

A doctor had just delivered twins. They were a boy and a girl.
The head nurse brought them out for their father to see.
He could hardly believe his good fortune. The girl baby had a pink blanket wrapped around her and the boy baby was enclosed in a blue blanket. He took one step forward just so he could touch the babies and believe they had finally arrived.
As he started to touch them the nurse took a step backwards and said, "You can't touch those babies. You aren't sterile!"
With out missing a beat, he retorted "You're telling ME I'm not sterile?!"

My friend Ozelui works in the Computer Center of the Campus of San Sebastian in the University of the Basque Country. And a Student wrote this in a file in the PC's Network that Ozelui found, and here it is: DIFFERENT WAYS OF TAKING CARE OF YOUR DISKS ------------------------------------------- ORIGAMI: Art of paper folding. In order to obtain a nice and effectiveness result, put the floppy in the disk drive with strength and without pointing at all. SMOKE: Of cigarettes or anything that could be burnt. When you are smoking blow directly to your disk. In that way you will be able to destroy it soon, and if you are lucky, damage the drive as well. PIRANHAS: If you don't have any at home, you can use a stapler, a clip, or simply write down on the disk label with a hard point pencil or pen. MAGNETS: They are wonderful. You can find them in the telephone, in some paper weights, and stuck on the fridge door. If you can't find any, you can leave the floppies on the printer or on your more...

Boy: "Miss, may I kiss you?"
Girl: "No."
Boy: "Could you let me embrace your waist with my arms?"
Girl: "No."
Boy: "Well, then, may I touch your hands?"
Girl: "No."
Boy: "Why do you keep saying 'No' all the time?"
Girl: "Mom said, when date with a boyfriend for the first time, remember to say No to everything."
Boy: "Oh, really? Your mom is so..., OK. Miss, do you mind I touch your hands?"
Girl: "No."
Boy: "Miss, do you mind if I embrace your waist with my arms? "
Girl: "No."
Boy: "Miss, do you mind I kiss you?"
Girl: "Er... No."

A woman walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doctor, I hurt all over."

The doctor says, "That's impossible!" She explains, "When I touch my arm, ouch, it hurts. When I touch my leg, ouch, it hurts. When I touch my head, ouch, it hurts. When I touch my chest, ouch, it hurts."

The doctor just shakes his head and asks, "You're a natural blonde, aren't you?"

The woman smiles and says, "Why, yes I am. How did you know?" The doctor replies, "Because your finger is broken."

Bell Labs Proves Existence of Dark Suckers For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted light.However, recent information from Bell Labs has proven otherwise. Electricbulbs don't emit light, they suck dark. Thus they now call these bulbsdark suckers. The dark sucker theory, according to a Bell Labsspokesperson, proves the existence of dark, that dark has mass heavier thanthat of light, and that dark is faster than light. The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric bulbs suck dark.Take for example, the dark suckers in the room where you are. There isless dark right next to them than there is elsewhere. The larger the darksucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark suckers in a parkinglot have a much greater capacity than the ones in this room. As with allthings, dark suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, theycan no longer suck. This is proven by the black spot on a full darksucker. A candle is a primitive dark sucker. lA new candle has a more...