Touch Jokes / Recent Jokes

Bell Labs Proves Existence of Dark Suckers
For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted light. However,
recent information from Bell Labs has proven otherwise. Electric bulbs don't
emit light, they suck dark. Thus they now call these bulbs dark suckers.
The dark sucker theory, according to a Bell Labs spokesperson, proves the
existence of dark, that dark has mass heavier than that of light, and that dark
is faster than light. The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric bulbs
suck dark. Take for example the dark suckers in the room where you are. There is
less dark right next to them than there is elsewhere. The larger the dark
sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark suckers in a parking lot
have a much greater capacity than the ones in this room. As with all things,
dark suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer
suck. This is proven by the black spot on a full dark more...

The mouse is more like a penis, not only because the mouse is
Pussy-cat's favourite, it is also for the following reasons:
1) Some have it, some don't
2) Those who have it, put far more importance to it than its size
3) They will be devastated if it is ever cut, although the removing
this does not have any serious effect on the main body
4) Younger people use it much more than older ones
5) It doesn't always respond
6) When you want to use it and if it doesen't respond you feel devastated
7) when its unresponsive it needs the right touch to get it working
8) Although the whole thing is moving, only its one end is responsive
(sensitive to the touch)
9) You can play games with it
10) it fits nicely in your right hand.
11) it points to things
12) it controls the operation of larger more important things
13) it can be rolled about
14) it prefers to perform on soft & smooth surfaces. Used against a more...

Thank you for calling 555-5555. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.

An elderly couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me."
"Why not?" he asks.
She answers back, "Because I'm dead."
The husband says to her, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another."
The wife says, "No, I'm definitely dead."
Her husband insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?"
His wife answers, "I know I'm dead,' cause I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."

A doctor had just delivered twins. They were a boy and a girl. The head nurse brought them out for their father to see. He could hardly believe his good fortune. The girl baby had a pink blanket wrapped around her and the boy baby was enclosed in a blue blanket. He took one step forward just so he could touch the babies and believe they had finally arrived. As he started to touch them the nurse took a step backwards and said, "You can`t touch those babies. You aren`t sterile!" With out missing a beat, he retorted "You`re telling ME I`m not sterile?!"

One day, Little Johnny and his dad went to the river to do some fishing. Sitting on the bank, his dad lit up a cigarette. Johnny looked at him and asked, "Can I have one of those?"
"Well, Johnny, can you touch your asshole with your dick?" his father asked.
"No!" Johnny replied.
"Then you aren't old enough," his father said.
A little while later, his dad opened a beer. "Can I have one of those?" Johnny asked.
"Can you touch your asshole with your dick?" asked his father.
"No!" Johnny replied.
"Then you aren't old enough," said his father.
Later on, Johnny pulled a chocolate bar out of his jacket pocket and was about to eat it when his father asked, "Can I have some of that?"
"Well, dad, can you touch your asshole with your dick?" Johnny asked.
"I sure can!" replied his father.
"Good! Then go fuck yourself, cause this is more...

A man and his grandson are fishing by a peaceful lake beneath some weeping willow trees. The man takes out a cigarette and lights it.
His grandson says, "Grandpa, Can I try some of your cigarette?" Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" he says.
"No," says the little boy. "Then you're not big enough."
A few more minutes pass, and the man takes a beer our of his cooler and opens it. The little boy says,
"Grandpa, can I have some of your beer?"
"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?", he says. "No," says the little boy. "Then you're not old enough."
Time passes and they continue to fish. The little boy gets hungry and he reaches into his lunch box, takes out a bag of cookies and eats one. The grandfather looks at him and says, "Hey they look good. Can I have one of your cookies?"
"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" says the little boy. more...