Touch Jokes / Recent Jokes

Unleash the Power of Shift!

Q: My shift keys have little arrows on them. Does that mean the *real* shift keys are located above them, and these keys are just little signs to point them out?

A: Nope, they're the Real McCoy. The little arrows mean "up", as in "look up at the screen". Your keyboard is telling you to learn to touch type and quit staring at your fingers.

Q: What happens if I press both shift keys?



A: Even bigger letters may show up on your screen. You should not use this feature, however, because these letters are also brighter, and may cause Screen Burn-In, which would be particularly embarrassing if you were typing something naughty at the time. You might consider obtaining the author's Shift Key Burn-In Protector program for only $139. 95. Or you might not, it's your computer, but don't say I didn't warn you.

Q: My religion prohibits the use of shift keys. how can i type capital more...

In line for brains, thought they said were handing out milkshakes, and he asked for “extra thick. ”
In need of a ROM upgrade.
In serious need of attitude adjustment.
In the shopping mall of the mind, he’s in the toy store.
In touch with her higher power, but out of touch with the rest of us.
Includes a “thank you” note with her tax returns.
Infinite space between her ears.
Informationally deprived.
Inhabits her own private timezone.
Inspected by #13.
Inspired the slogan, “A mind is a terrible thing to waste. ”
Intellectually/synaptically challenged.
Invented a pencil with an eraser on each end.
Invented a submarine with a screen door.
IQ = dx / (1 + dx), where x = age.

This guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I ache all over. Everywhere I touch it hurts."
The doctor says, "OK. Touch your elbow."
The guy touches his elbow and winces in genuine pain. The doctor, surprised, says "Touch your head."
The guy touches his head and jumps in agony. The doctor asks him to touch his knee and the same thing happens. Everywhere the guy touches he hurts like hell. The doctor is stumped and orders a complete examination with X-rays, etc. and tells the guy to come back in two days.
Two days later the guy comes back and the doctor says "We've found your problem."
"Oh yeah? What is it?"
"You've broken your finger!"

Bholaji goes to the doctor and says "Doc, I ache all over. Every where I touch it hurts." The doc says "Ok, touch your elbow."
Bholaji touches his elbow and winces in genuine pain. The doc, surprised, says "touch your head."
Bholaji touches his head and jumps in agony. The doc asks him to touch his knee and the same thing happens.
Every where Bholaji touches it hurts like hell. The doc is stumped and orders a complete examination with X-rays etc... and tells Bhola to come back after two days. Two days later Bhola comes back and the doctor says, "We've found your problem..." "Oh yeah? what is it? "' You've broken your finger!'

In recent speeches, McCain points out that Obama is too "out of touch" to be President of the United States. He goes on to say that America needs to stay on the same track. The old red, white and blue needs someone who is as attuned to the hearts and minds of its citizens as George W. Bush.
Inside sources report that McCain hired Tom Cruise last week as his new speechwriter, to help him in this close race, because America knows how "in touch" Tom Cruise is. Good choice McCain!

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA Grid_____________

INCOME TAX FILE NUMBER _________________ DRIVERS LICENCE ________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS_______________________ STATE___________ POSTCODE______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain: _____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________

Number of years they have been married ______________________________

If less than more...

An elderly couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me.""Why not?" he asks.She answers back, "Because I'm dead."The husband says to her, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another."The wife says, "No, I'm definitely dead."Her husband insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?"His wife answers, "I know I'm dead,' cause I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."