Touch Jokes / Recent Jokes

Once A Man Goes To A Doctor And Says That When I Touch My Head I Get Pain And When I Touch Anywhere In My Body With My Index Finger I Get Pain Doctor Said "You Stupid You Have Pain In Your Finger".

Q: When does Micheal Jackson go to bed?
A: When the big hands touch the little hands.

At an international seminar where scientists were boasting about their countries' achievements, an American scientist claimed that they had invented a fighter plane which could touch the ceiling of the sky. When challenged, he admitted that it didn't actually touch it, but almost did. Then a Russian scientist claimed that they had invented a submarine which could travel on the floor of the sea. He was also challenged and he had to admit that the submarine almost travelled on the floor. The Indian scientist then claimed that they were now able to feed themselves through their nose. He was also challenged. He then said, "Well, almost."

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler. the little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no. Grandpa said "Then you're not man enough to have a beer." A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" Once again, Grandpa asked, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no, again. Grandpa said, "Then your not man enough to have a cigar." A little later, the little boy came out of the house With a cookie. Grandpa asked, "Can I have a cookie?" The boy asked "Can your dick touch your ass?" Grandpa replied, "Hell yeah my dick can touch my ass!" The boy replied, "Then go fuck yourself, Grandma made these cookies for me."

Jesus recently walked into a bar somewhere in the Western World. He approached three sad-faced gentlemen at a table, and greeted the first one: "What's troubling you, brother?" he said.
"My eyes. I keep getting stronger and stronger glasses, and I still can't see." Jesus touched the man, who ran outside to tell the world about his now 20-20 vision.
The next gentleman couldn't hear Jesus' questions, so The Lord just touched his ears, restoring his hearing to perfection.
This man, too, ran out the door, probably on his way to the audiologist to get a hearing-aid refund.
The third man leapt from his chair and backed up against the wall, even before Jesus could greet him. "Don't you come near me, man! Don't touch me!" he screamed. "I'm on disability!"

To: All Release 5.0 Users
In Recognition of the number of problems that you have been
having with our sofware, we have set up a special
private BBS to serve you better. On this BBS your needs will
be addressed promply and with the highest priority. All future
correspondence should be via this new channel.
To access the BBS, you must dial in from a PC based modem running
Windows '95 (TM Microsoft) using the communication package "el PC
telefono" which is sold in most Latin American countries. Call your
special access number 1-900-543-2100 (1200 Baud, No Parity, 1 Stop Bit).
When connected, type in your 147 character access code. Please
note that to protect your account security the code is not displayed
on the screen as you type. The password is also case sensitive.
This will give you access to the Welcome screen from which you can
access all the other areas on the BBS. (The welcome screen is very
graphics intensive more...

Q. My shift keys have little arrows on them. Does that mean the *real* shift keys are located above them, and these keys are just little signs to point them out? A. Nope, they're the Real McCoy. The little arrows mean "up", as in "look up at the screen". Your keyboard is telling you to learn to touch type and quit staring at your fingers. Q. What happens if I press both shift keys? A. Even bigger letters may show up on your screen. You should not use this feature, however, because these letters are also brighter, and may cause Screen Burn-In, which would be particularly embarrassing if you were typing something naughty at the time. You might consider obtaining the author's Shift Key Burn-In Protector program for only $139. 95. Or you might not, it's your computer, but don't say I didn't warn you. Q. my religion prohibits the use of shift keys. how can i type capital letters and punctuationA. Discuss alternatives to the shift key with your spiritual advisor. Perhaps more...