Trees Jokes / Recent Jokes

A Christmas tree is always erect.
Even small ones give satisfaction.
A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
A Christmas tree always looks good - even when it's lit.
A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
A Christmas tree has cute balls.
You can throw a Christmas tree out when it wears out.
You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.
A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
You only have to feed/water it once a week.
It's always there to light up your life.
It gets turned on only when you want it turned on.
It always smells nice and doesn't pass gas.
If it needles you, you can toss it out.
It doesn't ask you to have little Christmas trees.

When you dress it up with silver and gold, it doesn't look like a cheap hooker.
A Christmas tree will never complain if you compare it to another bush.
A Christmas tree will stay up late, watch a porno with you, and won't say, "Hey, look at the size of that dick. .. I didn't know they made' em that big!"
Christmas trees actually like when you use exotic electrical devices.
A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have a plastic one in the closet.
It always smells fresh as a forest.
A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day or go to a strip club after work.
A Christmas tree doesn't get possessive if you want to let your neighbor use your balls.
You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it.
When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.
A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other more...

An Indian who just came from India walks into a hardware store and asks to see the chain saws. Picking up one, he asked the store clerk, "How many trees will this one cut in an hour?"

"Oh, that one will cut about five good sized trees in an hour," replied the clerk.

"What about this one?" asked the Indian. The clerk replied,

"That's an intermediate model which cuts around ten trees."

"And this one?" asked the Indian.

"That's our best model. It should cut at least 20 trees in an hour," said the clerk

"I'll take it!" said the Indian. Two days later, the Indian returns to the store and angrily states, "Hey, this saw is terrible. I could only cut three trees in one hour with it!"

The clerk says, "Gee, I don't understand that. This is the best chainsaw we carry. Wait a minute while I check it out." The clerk pulled on the more...

Finally there's a logical explanation to the confusion and complexity of the game. You might just enjoy these:
Tour Through The Absolute Laws of Golf
The 1st Tee: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summmer and, eventually, a lifetime.
The 2nd Dogleg: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
The 3rd Hole: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
The 4th Fairway: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should immediately be cut down.
More on the Laws of Golf...
The more...

This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws. The dealer tells him,' Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day.'

So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw.' How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?' the man asks himself.' I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day,' the man tells himself. So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords.

The man is convinced this is a bad saw.' The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no more...

These laws were given to me by an old friend who carried has them around in his golf bag for, judging by the age of the paper (and his golf bag), decades. True golfers should understand the words layed out here.
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summmer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what more...

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.