Trees Jokes / Recent Jokes

A farmer was down on his luck having suffered a bad growing season, lack of crops and poor prices. To make ends meet he decided he'd have to sell his dog - a most intelligent animal. A few days after placing the ad, a man came to see this "intelligent" dog. When asked what the dog could do, the farmer pointed to a stand of trees nearby and informed the man there was a pond on the other side. He turned to the dog and commanded, "Hunt." Immediately the dog took off for the trees, came back a few moments later and barked twice. The farmer said, "He just told me there are two ducks down at the pond." "That's absurd." said the potential buyer. "Dogs can't count. He was probably just barking for the heck of it." Just then a duck flew overhead, descended just past the trees and apparently landed on the pond. "Now send him back and have him count!" said the man. The farmer again commanded "Hunt!" and off went the dog. He more...

A man steps up for a tee shot with a row of trees and out of bounds on the right side. He slices it wildly and it heads off in the direction of the trees. He reloads and forgets about the ball. About 15 minutes later a highway patrolman approaches him. "This your ball?" asks the policeman. "Yes, I think it is." "Well," says the officer, "it went over the trees and through the window of a house. It hit a cat and the cat ran out the front door. A school bus was driving by at the time and the driver, while trying to miss the cat, hit a tree. The bus exploded in flames, and there were no survivors." "Gee, I'm sorry.'' said the golfer. "Is there anything I can do?" The policeman replied, "Well, you might try keeping your left arm a little straighter and start your downswing with your hips."

-From: Burton Hillis
You have to admire trees. Even though they start to lose their leaves,
they never consider growing a beard.

This (Blonde) fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his backyard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws. The dealer tells him, “Look, I have a lot of models, but why don’t you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of- the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day. ” So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. “How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords? ” the man asks himself. “I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day, ” the man tells himself. So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords. The man is convinced this is a bad saw. “The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, more...

In Italy they have no Christmas trees, instead they decorate small
wooden pyramids with fruit.
In Caracas, the capital city of Venezuela, it is customary for the
streets to be blocked off on Christmas eve so that the people can
roller-skate to church.
An artificial spider and web are often included in the decorations
on Ukrainian Christmas trees. A spider web found on Christmas
morning is believed to bring good luck.
It is a British Christmas tradition that a wish made while mixing
the Christmas pudding will come true only if the ingredients are
stirred in a clockwise direction.
A traditional Christmas dinner in early England was the head of a
pig prepared with mustard.
Sending red Christmas cards to anyone in Japan constitutes bad
etiquette, since funeral notices there are customarily printed in
red.
In Norway on Christmas Eve, all the brooms in the house are
hidden because long ago it was believed more...

What's gray and comes in packets?
Instant elephant.
What's gray and comes in buckets?
An elephant.
What's gray and has a trunk?
A mouse going on holiday.
How do elephants hide in cherry trees?
They paint their toe-nails red.
How do elephants get down from cherry trees?
Sit on a leaf and wait for fall.
How do elephants hide in custard?
Paint the soles of their feet yellow and hide upside down.

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum. 2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
-' 66 Ford Fairlane
-' 69 Chevrolet Chevelle
-' 64 Pontiac GTO 3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product? 4. A pulpwood cutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tall-Boys will it take to cut the trees? 5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer? 6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch more...