Trousers Jokes / Recent Jokes

The facelift - 2
Morris decides to have a facelift for his birthday. He spends £5,000 at Bushey hospital and feels really good about the result. But would others see how good he looked? So he thought he would put this to the test. On his way home, he stops off at Brent Cross shopping centre. He first of all goes into Smiths, buys a newspaper and says to the girl behind the cash desk, "I hope you don`t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," came the reply.
"I`m actually 47," Morris says, feeling really happy.
Then he goes into Fenwicks for lunch and asks the waitress the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29 ".
"I am actually 47." This makes him feel really good.
In the car park on the way out, Morris meets two elderly ladies and asks them the same question. One of them winks to the other and replies, "I can’t really tell. I am 70 years old and my eyesight more...

The Top 15 Pick-Up Lines Used by William Shakespeare

15>' How about a little Puck?'

14>' Of course,' Romeo and Gertrude' is just a working title. I might be persuaded to change it for you, M'Lady.'

13>' Et tu, Cutie?'

12>' Shall I compare thee to a brick outhouse?'

11>' If I whispered in thine ear that thou hadst a body of beauty unknown but to the heavens, wouldst thou hold it against me?'

10>' Wouldst thou care to join me in forming the beast with two backs?'

9>' My heart, it pines, as my trousers tent.'

8>' Without thine companionship, dear lady, I fearest I'd spend the

evening with pen in hand, if thou knows what I mean.'

7>' Hey, Baby, can Ophelia up?'

6>' Is this a dagger I see before me? Nay! I'm merely happy to cast eyes upon thy beauty!'

5>' Greetings to you, fair sailor.'

4>' But soft, what light through yonder trousers more...

When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend's father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter's chest. He would open the door and immediately affect a good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds
Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best ot make my daughter's suitors feel even worse.
My motto: wilt them in the living room and they'll stay wilted all night.
"So," I'll call out jovially. "I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you're STUPID, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?"
As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.
Rule one: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as more...

When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend's father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter's chest. He would open the door and immediately affect a good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamondsNow, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best ot make my daughter's suitors feel even worse.My motto: wilt them in the living room and they'll stay wilted all night."So," I'll call out jovially. "I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you're STUPID, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?"As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.Rule one: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as heck not picking anything more...

Unusual Case by William A. Morton, Jr, MDFrom "Medical Aspects Of Human Sexuality" July, 1991 p. 15Scrotum Self-RepairOne morning, I was called to the emergency room by the head ER nurse. She directed me to a patient who had refused to describe his problem other than to say that he "needed a doctor who took care of men's troubles." The patient, about 40, was pale, febrile, and obviously uncomfortable, and had little to say as he gingerly opened his trousers to expose a bit of angry red skin and black-and-blue scrotal skin. After I asked the nurse to leave us, the patient permitted me to remove his trousers, shorts, and two or three yards of foul-smelling stained gauze wrapped about his scrotum, which was swollen to twice the size of a grapefruit and extremely tender. A jagged zig-zag laceration, oozing pus and blood, extended down the left scrotum. Amid the matted hair, edematous skin, and various exudates, I saw some half-buried dark linear objects and asked the more...