Tuna Jokes / Recent Jokes

Seymour was a good and pious man, and when he passed away, the Lord himself greeted him at the pearly gates of Heaven.
"Hungry, Seymour?" the Lord asked.
"I could eat," said Seymour. The Lord opened a can of tuna, and they shared it.
While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell and noticed the inhabitants devouring enormous steaks, pheasant, pastries and vodka.
The next day, the Lord again asked Seymour if he was hungry, and Seymour again said, "I could eat." Once again, a can of tuna was opened and shared, while down below Seymour noticed a feast of caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles, brandy and chocolates.
The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. Meekly, Seymour said, "Lord, I am very happy to be in Heaven as a reward for the good life I lived. But, this is Heaven, and all I get to eat is tuna. But in the Other Place, they eat like Kings. I just don't understand."
"To more...

there are 3 men working on the roof of a building a red head a brown head and a blonde head the red head opens his lunch and sees that he has a tuna sandwich he says if my wife gives me tuna one more day for lunch i will jump the brown head opens his lunch and has buretoes and says if my wife gives me buritoes one more day i will jump also the blonde head opens his lunch and has balogna and says if i get balogna one more day for luch im gonna jump too so the next day the red head opens his lunch and sees that he has tuna and jumps the brown head has buritoes and jumps the blonde head has balogna and jumps so on their funeral day the red heads wife is crying and the brown heads wife is crying and everyone looks at the blonde heads wife and she is not crying and they say why arent you crying and she says why should i he makes his own lunch

Compiled by Harold Reynolds and updated on December 6, 1994

1. Introduction

The following is a manual of guidelines for the busy cat(s) who will have a house to manage after adopting one or more humans. It is, of course, impossible to cover all possible situations, as those humans are always up to some sort of mischief, but the compiler and contributors to this guide have endeavoured to cover as wide a variety of topics as possible. It is important that this document be kept out of the hands of humans, who will undoubtedly find a way to use it to their advantage.

2. Food

In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed now; and hunting for it oneself. The following are some guidelines for getting fed.

a) When the humans are eating, make sure more...

"Excuse me, is this tuna dolphin-friendly?"
"Dolphin-friendly? He was only best man at Flipper's wedding!"

Mother Teresa died and went to heaven. God greeted her at the Pearly Gates. "Be thou hungry, Mother Teresa?" asked God."I could eat," Mother Teresa replied.So God opened a can of tuna and reached for a chunk of rye bread and they began to share it. While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looked down into Hell and saw the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, and pastries. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remained quiet.The next day God again invited her to join him for a meal. Again, it was tuna and rye bread. Once again, Mother Teresa could see the denizens of Hell enjoying lamb, turkey, venison, and delicious desserts. Still she said nothing.The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. She couldn't contain herself any longer. Meekly, she asked, "God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread and more...

Mother Teresa died and went to heaven.

God greets her at the Pearly Gates."Are you hungry, Mother Teresa?" says God.

"I could eat," Mother Teresa replies.

So God opens a can of tuna and reaches for a chunk of rye bread and they share it.

While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looks down into Hell and sees the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, pastries and wines. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remains quiet.

The next day God again invites her to join Him for a meal.

Again, it is tuna and rye bread.

Once again, Mother Teresa can see the denizens of Hell enjoying caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles and chocolates.

Still she says nothing.

The following day, mealtime arrives and another can of tuna is opened.

She can't contain herself any longer. Meekly, she says: "God, I am grateful to be in heaven with You as a reward for the more...

Stanley was a good and pious man, and when he passed away, he was greeted at the pearly gates by the Lord Himself.
"Are you hungry, Stanley," asked the Lord.
"Yes, I could eat," Stanley replied. So, the Lord opened a can of tuna and they shared it.
While eating this humble meal, Stanley happened to glance down into Hell and noticed the inhabitants there were devouring enormous steaks, pheasant, pastries and vodka.
The following day, the Lord again asked Stanley if he was hungry and again Stanley said, "Yes, I could eat." Once more, a can of tuna was opened and shared, while down below Stanley couldn't help but notice a feast of caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles, brandy and chocolates.
The next day, mealtime arrived and yet another can of tuna was opened. Not wanting to appear ungrateful, Stanley meekly said, "Lord, I am very happy to be in Heaven as a reward for the good life I lived. But, this is Heaven and all I get to eat is more...