Type Jokes / Recent Jokes

1. No matter what my problem is, it's the fault of someone other than myself, and the appropriate response is to find that person and kill him with my bare hands.
2. To be truly attractive, a woman must wear high heels and an outfit so tight you can tell whether she's cold or not from across the room.
3. There are two kinds of women in the world: The type that want to go to bed with you, and the type want to kill you. Both types are physically attractive and under 25 years old.
4. If I rudely argue with my boss in front of my co-workers, not only won't he fire me, but he will gain a profound respect for me.
5. If I can find an important enough mission, it will supercede my obligations to perform household chores, bathe, and call the next day.
6. If I go without bathing, swear a lot, and treat women badly, they will adore me.
7. If a woman tries to clean a bullet wound and I curse in pain, she will fall in love with me.
8. Anyone who isn't a cop, mercenary more...

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, and walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife" What type of bra?" asked the clerk. "Type?" inquires the man. "There is more than one type?" "Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk. Confused, the man asked what the types were. The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?" Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?" The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."

While trying to diagnose a problem over the phone I told the user to type out his autoexec.bat file.He said it said "File not found".I told him to do a dir.I asked him if he saw autoexec.bat listed.He said, "Well it says autoexec, then there's some spaces, but no dot, and then it says bat."I said type this in "type autoexec.bat".Again he got "File not found".I asked him to tell me exactly what he typed.He said, "I typed just what you told me: 'type autoexecdotbat'.

1. Thou shalt run lint frequently and study its pronouncements with care, for verily its perception and judgement oft exceed thine. 2. Thou shalt not follow the NULL pointer, for chaos and madness await thee at its end. 3. Thou shalt cast all function arguments to the expected type if they are not of that type already, even when thou art convinced that this is unnecessary, lest they take cruel vengeance upon thee when thou least expect it. 4. If thy header files fail to declare the return types of thy library functions, thou shalt declare them thyself with the most meticulous care, lest grievous harm befall thy program. 5. Thou shalt check the array bounds of all strings (indeed, all arrays), for surely where thou typest ``foo'' someone someday shall type ``supercalifragilisticexpialidocious''. 6. If a function be advertised to return an error code in the event of difficulties, thou shalt check for that code, yea, even though the checks triple the size of thy code and produce aches in more...

There where two snakes talking.

The 1st one said' Sidney, are we the type of snakes who wrap ourselves around our prey and squeeze and crush until they're dead? Or are we the type of snake who ambush our prey and bite them and they are poisioned?'.

Then the second Snake says "Why do you ask?"

The 1st one replies: "I just bit my lip!"

While trying to diagnose a problem over the phone I told the user to type out his autoexec.bat file. He said it said "File not found". I told him to do a dir. I asked him if he saw autoexec.bat listed. He said, "Well it says autoexec, then there's some spaces, but no dot, and then it says bat." I said type this in "type autoexec.bat". Again he got "File not found". I asked him to tell me exactly what he typed. He said, "I typed just what you told me: `type autoexecdotbat'.

The male type
Ok, we all know all men seem to fall into categories, well a friend of mine and I were discussing it one day and we decided to create the "man lecture". So here it is:
All men have their own type, of which there are 5.
Type 1: Man.
Type 2: Annoying man.
Type 3: Annoying possessive man.
Type 4: Annoying, possessive, jealous, and controlling man.
Type 5: Annoying, possessive, jealous, controlling, and a down right jerk off.
,
All these types have their own sub-types.
Type 1: A. Good father.
Type 1: B. Thoughtful.
Type 1: C. Excellent bedmate (yes I mean it the sexual way)
Type 1: D. Trustworthy.
Type 1. E. Deals with his problems by facing them.
Type 2: A. Decent father.
Type 2: B. Is lucky to remember your birthday.
Type 2: C. Does ok.
Type 3: A. Could do a lot better.
Type 3: B. Is lucky to remember his birthday.
Type 3: C. Could use a few pointers, but is otherwise all more...