Ummm Jokes / Recent Jokes

A fellow went to the doctor one day and said, "Doc, I have a problem. My penis is red."Doctor replied, "Drop your pants, let me take a look. Ummm...yes, no problem, we can have you fixed up in no time, $40."The fellow was impressed. Told his friend of the experience and that he hadn't been to a doctor for only $40 for quite a spell.His friend said, "Really? I have a similar problem. What doctor did you go to?"So his friend goes to the same doctor and tells him, "Doc, George recommended you...you've got to help me. My penis is blue."Doc asks to take a look. "Ah yes... Ummm... Yep, we can take care of it, no problem, $400.""FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS?" Wait a MINUTE! You took care of George for only $40.""Yes, I did. But George's penis had lipstick on it. Yours has gangrene!"

Three elderly ladies were at the doctor for a cognitive reasoning test.
The doctor says to the first gal, "What is three times three?" "297," was her prompt reply. "Ummm humm," says the doc.
The doctor says to the second lady, "It's your turn now. What is three times three?" "Friday," replies the second lady. "Ummm humm..."
Then the doc says to the third, "Okay, mam, your turn. What's three times three?"
"Nine," she says. "That's wonderful!" says the doc. "Tell me, how did you get that?"
"Simple," she says, beaming... "I subtracted 297 from Friday!"

Three elderly ladies were at the doctor for a cognitive reasoning test.

The doctor says to the first gal, "What is three times three?" "297," was her prompt reply. "Ummm humm," says the doc.

The doctor says to the second lady, "It's your turn now. What is three times three?" "Friday," replies the second lady. "Ummm humm..."

Then the doc says to the third, "Okay, mam, your turn. What's three times three?"

"Nine," she says. "That's wonderful!" says the doc. "Tell me, how did you get that?"

"Simple," she says, beaming... "I subtracted 297 from Friday!"

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer asks her some questions:Officer: What's 2 + 2? Blonde: Ummm... 4! Officer: What's the square root of 100? Blonde: Ummm... 10! Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln? Blonde: Ummm... I dunno.Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.The blonde replies excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"

NOTE: This is a true story of a real call to a computor company tech support.
One day a guy calls tech support. this is how it went...
Cust: Hello?
TS: Hello
Cust: Yeah, my cup holder broke and my computor is still under warranty, so I would like to get it replaced.
TS: Ummm cup holder?
Cust: yeah cup holder...
TS: Ummm did you get it with a promotional offer?
Cust: No
TS: Umm are you sure you got the right company?
Cust: Yeah
TS: Ummm... im sorry if i sound confused, because i am.
Cust: Well its square, and its on the front of the computor, and it comes out when you press a button...
At this point the Tech support guy had to put the guy on hold, so he could finish laughing...
The guy had broken his CD-rom drive, thinking it was a cup holder.

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer asks her some questions:

Officer: What's 2 + 2?

Blonde: Ummm... 4!

Officer: What's the square root of 100?

Blonde: Ummm... 10!

Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?

Blonde: Ummm... I dunno.

Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.

The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.

The blonde replies excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"

One day when a mother went to work, her 14 year old daughter decided to try her hand at giving "cybersex". She had learned the prior day at school what it was and thought it would be awesome to give it a try. Not knowing what she was doing she accidently entered a room with another woman. So they started.
Hottie14: Hey, I've never done this before but I think you'll find I'll do just fine.
Oldyetsexy: That's okay, lets start.
I pick you up and throw you on the bed.
Hottie14: I giggle in delight about what's going to happen.
Oldyetsexy: I grab your silk black shirt and slowly slide it off you. Your bra is so cute.
Hottie14: Hey, how do you know I am wearing black and am a woman?
Oldyetsexy: Ummm, lucky guess... and yes I like that you're a woman. Anyway, I feel your boobs - they're really sexy.
Hottie14: Yes I know. I slide my hand down your pants and tickle your "bush" - it feels SO good.
Oldyetsexy: I un-zip your tight-tight more...