Underwear Jokes / Recent Jokes

To be sung to the tune of Walkin' in a Winter Wonderland Lacy things - the girlfriend's missin',
Didn't ask - her permission,
I'm wearin' her clothes,
Her silk pantyhose,
Walkin' round in women's underwear.
In the store - there's a teddy,
Little straps - like spaghetti,
It holds me so tight,
Like handcuffs at night,
Walkin' round in women's underwear.
In the office there's a guy named Melvin,
He pretends that I am Murphy Brown.
He'll say, "Are you ready?" We'll say,"Whoa, Man!"
"Let's wait until our women are out of town!"
Later on, if you wanna,
We can dress - like Madonna,
Put on some eyeshade,
And join the parade,
Walkin' round in women's underwear!
Lacy things - the girlfriend's missin',
Didn't ask - her permission,
I'm wearin' her clothes,
Her silk pantyhose,
Walkin' round in women's underwear,
Walkin' round in women's more...

A newlywed couple had just arrived in their honeymoon suite on the romantic island of Jamaica. After unpacking, the husband abruptly took off his pants. "Put these on," he said to his wife.

She did, and they were nearly twice her size. "There's no way I can wear these. They're too big," she said.

"Good, now you know who wears the pants in the family."

Flustered, the wife takes off her underwear and gives it to her husband. "Put these on," she commands.

The husband looks at the small pair of underwear and then at his waist and says, "There's no way I can get into these."

To which the wife replied, "You're right about that until you change your attitude."

************************* Chief Executive Officer Mattel, Inc. El Segundo, CADear Sir, Listen you little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this year, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my 1997 resolution/wish list: 1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt? 2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite! 3. A REAL more...

Sweeping and Mopping the Floors
Have dog sweep floors with tail and lick up all crumbs...(any stubborn spots that require scrubbing recruit cat... may have to add tuna water to spot). If you don't have a dog or cat... well you are in trouble.... go find one roaming the neighbourhood quick!
Vacuuming
Call for demo from salesman. Have him show you how the vacuum works in all parts of the house... insisting the carpet looks the same... but really is different in all parts of the house. Tips for success: Don't always call same company... keep a chart and rotate.
Dusting
Only do what is at eye level or below. And only right before someone is coming over! Run rag over everything quickly (don't even waste your precious time on the Pledge or Endust... that's minutes away from your computer... and that just is unacceptable!) For the illusion of using those products... spray a few squirts to air like air freshener.
Laundry
First find a good place to hide it! more...

Dear Santa:
Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here by next Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list for 1997: A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro crawling up your butt? Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite! A REAL man... maybe G. I. Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over more...

That master detective, Sherlock Holmes, was sitting on his chair beside the fireplace calmly reading a book when suddenly, his good partner, Dr. Watson came in.
Sherlock Holmes looked at his friend and smiled, saying, "Why, Dr. Watson, don't you think the weather is a bit hot for you to be wearing your red flannel underwear?"
Dr. Watson was shocked by this incredible and wonderful logic. "My good man," he gasped, "How did you know I was wearing my red flannel underwear?"
Holmes smiled wider and put down his book. He explained, "Elementary, my dear Watson. You forgot to put your pants on."

Dear Santa:
Listen you ugly little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas
Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many
tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had
better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and
trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list for 1998:

Santa:
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker.
How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels
like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to
cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like more...