Underwear Jokes / Recent Jokes
Dear Santa,
Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME!
There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list, Santa:
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!
3. A REAL more...
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under you vehicle... From the NORTHWEST FLORIDA Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.
A man buys some new underwear from a department store. He takes them home and tries them on, but to his dismay they don't fit properly, so off he goes back to the store. When it's his turn at the customer service window, the lady asks him why he's returning the underwear. The man replies by asking the saleslady, "Have you ever heard of the ballroom in the Washington Monument?" The puzzled saleslady scratches her head and says, "What ballroom?" The man snaps, "Exactly!"
Dear friends, Being retired and with the stock market going down, our monthly pension payment is quite small now, and don't reach as far as we would like. We now shop more conservatively and often visit Wal-Mart for bargains. I just wanted to share this new secret with my many friends. We may have started a new revolution! My old JC Penney underwear were starting to wear thin and so we came up with what we hope is a novel idea to
stretch our money. Please see the attached photo, which will explain
this new, no cost solution for underwear. If you find merit in this,
please forward to everyone you know to help them with any budget concerns they may have.Love, Pappy
Most Romantic/Passionate/Sweet Things
To Do For Your Girlfriend/Boyfriend
(101 steps to having a good relationship)
Watch the sunset together.
Take showers together.
Back rubs/massages.
Listen to classical music and cuddle in the dark or w/ blacklight.
French Kiss.
Hold her w/ hands inside the back of her shirt.
Whisper to each other.
Cook for each other.
Skinny dip.
Make out in the rain.
Dress each other.
Undress each other.
Kiss every part of their body.
Hold hands.
Sleep together. (Actually sleep with each other: not sex)
One word: Foreplay
Sit and talk in just underwear.
Buy gifts for each other.
Roses.
Find out their favorite cologne/perfume and wear it every time you're together.
Wear his clothes.
Find a nice secluded place to lie and watch the stars.
Incense/candles/oils/blacklights and music make for great cuddling/sex.
Kiss at every chance you get.
Don't wear underwear more...
A couple had been happily married for 40 years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of loudly farting every morning as he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning, she would plead with him to stop ripping them off as it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural.
She told him to see a doctor as she was concerned that one day he was going to fart his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out.
Then one Christmas morning as she was downstairs preparing the turkey and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had just put the turkey innards, neck, gizzards, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl upstairs where her hubby was sound asleep and gently pulling back the bed covers, she slid down his underwear at the back and emptied the bowl more...