University Jokes / Recent Jokes

In the men's bathroom, an accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal.
The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows....he used 20 paper towels before he finished.
He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan and they taught us to be clean."
The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."
The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I graduated from Texas Tech University and they taught us not to piss on our hands.

Florida State football coach Bill Peterson: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." He also said, "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
Mike Tyson, about writer Wallace Matthews: "He called me a rapist and a recluse. I'm not a recluse."
Weightlifting commentator Pat Glenn: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing."
Alan Minter: "There have been injuries and deaths in boxing, but none of them serious."
Football coach Bill Peterson: "Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl."
Basketball player Jason Kidd: "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
Soccer coach Ron Greenwood: "I don't hold water with that theory."
Baseball player Pedro Guerrero, on sportswriters: "Sometimes they write what I say and not what I mean."
Tennis more...

Q: What do you call a blonde on a University Campus?
A: A visitor.

There is a sale on any item, you buy 100 of them.
You put your clothes in suitcases instead of wardrobes.
You have a' Singer Brother' sewing machine at home.
Your mother has a minor disagreement with her (or your dad's) sister and doesn't talk to her for ten years.
You call an older person you've never met before "uncle".
You hide everything from your parents.
Your mother does everything for you if you are male.
You do all the housework and cooking if you are female.
Your relatives alone could populate a small city.
Everyone is a family friend.
Everyone always called you for help on homework.
You read law, medicine or engineering at university.
You were thick (i. e. stupid) so you studied accounting or business instead.
You know no one who has studied music.
You went to a university as far away from home as possible.
You still came back home to live with your parents after you had finished.
Your more...

PHYSICS: John Moonstone and the late Thomas Parnell of the University of Ohio, for patiently conducting an experiment that began in the year 1925 - in which a glob of congealed black tar has been slowly, dripping through a funnel, at a rate of approximately one drop every nine years.
LITERATURE: The Internet entrepreneurs of Nigeria, for creating and then using e-mail to distribute a bold series of monetary tall tales, thus introducing millions of readers to a cast of super rich characters - General Sani Abacha, Mrs. Sherry Quay Lu, Barrister Jon A. Mbeki Esq., and others - each of whom requires just a small amount of expense money so as to obtain access to the great wealth to which they are entitled and which they would like to share with any unbalanced person who assists them.
PEACE: Jerry Gersh and Peter Simmons of Newcastle University, in the U.K., for electrically monitoring the activity of the brain cells in a locust while that locust was watching selected highlights more...

A China university has built the world's largest earthquake simulator. The second largest earthquake simulator is Kirstie Alley.

A university committee was appointed to pick a new dean. The committee narrowed the candidates down to a mathematician, an economist and a lawyer. During each interview, the candidate was asked to answer the question, "How much is two plus two?"

The mathematician answered immediately, "Four."

The economist thought for several minutes and finally answered, "Four, plus or minus one."

When the lawyer was asked the question, he stood, looked around the room and motioned silently for the committee members to gather close to him. In a hushed, conspiratorial tone, he replied, "How much do you want it to be?"