Unless Jokes / Recent Jokes

During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of year.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying beside her.
The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to talk you down.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place - nobody will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.
Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately more...

* In the quiet town of Connersville, Wisconsin, it's illegal for a man to shoot off a gun when his female partner has an orgasm.

* It's against the law in Willowdale, Oregon, for a husband to curse during sex.

* In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.

* No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.

* Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you or holding you in his arms.

* Bozeman, Montana has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown - if they're nude.

* In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. And the beds more...

Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.

Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, Just leave me alone.

If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.

If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.

Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. more...

1. Bicycles don't pregnant. 2. You can ride your bicycle any time of the month. 3. Bicycles don't have parents. 4. Bicycles don't whine unless something is really wrong. 5. You can share your bicycles with your friends. 6. Bicycles don't care how many other bicycles you've ridden. 7. When riding, you and your bicycle can arrive at the same time. 8. Bicycles don't care how many other bicycles you have now. 9. Bicycles don't care if you look at other bicycles. 10. Bicycles don't care if you buy bicycle magazines. 11. You'll never hear, "Suprise, you're goning to own a new bicycle" unless you go out and buy one yourself. 12. If your bicycle goes flat, you can fix it. 13. If your bicycle is too loose, you can tighten it. 14. If your bicycle gets misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics with it. 15. You can have a black bicycle and bring it home to your parents. 16. You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your bicycle. 17. If you say bad things to your bicycle, more...

You own two refrigerators, and one is just used for storing Kimchee. She gets upset if you refer to the above as the Kimchee Box. She gets upset if you put anything other than Kimchee in the Kimchee Box. She lacks common sense, or for the politically correct: Faulty Logic. You have more than one type of Kimchee. She assures you that the meat bought in the open market is better, even if it still has the AAFES tag on it. Believes that any product bought in the open market is better, even if it still has the AAFES tag on it. She has 101 uses for Soju. She uses Soju as a cleaning product. She uses Soju for medical purposes. (Disinfectant.) She will go to an American restaurant to eat Korean Food and insists that it tastes better than served in a Korean restaurant. She believes wearing platform shoes is sexy. She wears a mini skirt in the winter, then complains that it is cold. The main ingredient in the food you eat at home is garlic. She eats non-Korean food with Kimchee. She won't eat more...

by Every guy in America:1. It is only common courtesy that you should leave the seat on the toilet UP when you are done.2. If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to includesomething from each of the four major male food groups:*** Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red.***3. Don't make him hold your purse in the mall.4. Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins deserving your contempt.5. Shopping is not fascinating.6. When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking.7. Unless the answer is yes.8. In which case, can he videotape it? 9. If you REALLY want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes.10. The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill.11. Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny.12. Money does not equate love. Not even in Nevada.13. Any attempt by a man to more...

Real Programmers don't eat quiche. They like Twinkies, Coke and palate scorching Szechwan food.
Real Programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand and harder to modify.
Real Programmers don't document. Documentation is for simpletons who can't read listings or the object code from the dump.
Real Programmers scorn Floating Point Arithmetic. The decimal point was invented for pansy bedwetters who are unable to "think big."
Real Programmers' programs never work right the first time. But if you throw them on the machine they can be patched into working order in "only a few" 30-hour debugging sessions.
Real Programmers don't read manuals. Reliance on a reference is the hallmark of the novice and the coward.
Real Programmers don't write application programs. They program right down on the bare metal. Application programming is for the dullards who can't do systems programming.
Real Programmers more...