Unless Jokes / Recent Jokes

Never thrust your sickle into another man’s corn.
Don’t spread your blanket where a cat’s been digging.
Don’t skinny-dip with snapping turtles.
Never give up. And never, under any circumstances, face the facts.
Never drive through a small Southern town at 100 mph with the local sheriff’s drunken 16-year old daughter on your lap.
Never use the words “large” or “size” with “rear end” when referring or speaking to a woman.
Never invoke the gods unless you really want them to appear. It annoys them very much.
Never, I say NEVER, pee onto an electric fence.
Don’t wear polyester to a weenie roast.
Cow chips need to dry out for a spell before you toss them.
Don’t go hunting with a fellow named Chug-A-Lug.
Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room.
Never stand between the dog and the hydrant.
Don’t stand behind a coughing cow.
Never say anything on the telephone more...

STRANGE U.S. SEX LAWS
-- In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.
-- In Minnesota, it is illegal for any man to have sexual intercourse with a live fish. (Apparently it's OK for woman.)
-- No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.
-- Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you -- or holding you in his arms.
-- Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown -- if they're nude.
-- In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And more...

Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save it's master
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
c. After wrecking your boss' Ferrari
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into The Crying Game

Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend move: Your legs have been severed in a freak threshing accident.

If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is 5 minutes. Maximum.

Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is more...

HOW TO SING THE BLUES
(attrib. to Memphis Earlene Gray with help from Uncle Plunky)

1. Most blues begin:' Woke up this morning.'

2.' I got a good woman' is a bad way to begin the
blues, unless you stick something nasty in the
next line.
I got a good woman--
with the meanest dog in town.

3. Blues are simple. After you have the first
line right, repeat it. Then find something that
rhymes. Sort of.
Got a good woman
with the meanest dog in town.
He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher
and he weighs about 500 pounds.

4. The blues are not about limitless choice.

5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other
acceptable blues transportation is Greyhound
bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a
major part in the blues lifestyle. So does
fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing
the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough more...

Pagan Lightbulb Jokes (Okay, this is REALLY vague, but I'm sure some people are going to love it...)

*How many lesbian feminist Dianic Wiccans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one, and it's NOT FUNNY!!!

*How many Dianics does it take to change a light bulb?

(any large number here) -- One to change the light bulb, one to prepare the environmental impact statement, and the rest to do a self-criticism afterwards...

*How many Dianics does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but that bulb has really got to want to change.

*How many years does it take a Dianic Wiccan to change a lightbulb?

You can change it whenever you are empowered to do so.

*How many years does it take a Dianic Wiccan to change a lightbulb?

Not sure.....we'll call Z. Bhudapest and get back to you!

*How many Dianic women does it take to change a lightbulb?

That's W-I-M-M-I-N, more...

A Short list of nevers:

Never accept a drink from a urologist. -Erma Bombeck

Never say anything on the phone that you wouldn't want your mother to hear at your trial. -Sydney Biddle Barrows, the' Mayflower Madam'

Never say' Oops' in the operating room. - Dr. Leo Troy

Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words' large' or' size' with' rear end'. Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me on this. -Tim Allen

Never wear a backward baseball cap to an interview unless applying for the job of umpire. -Dan Zevin

Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day. -Harry S. Truman

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with something bigger and heavier. -Anonymous

Never thrust your sickle into another's corn. -Publius Syrus

Never drive through a small Southern town at 100mph with the local sheriff's drunken 16-year-old daughter on your lap. -Anonymous member of a chain gang

Never invoke more...

Here are some real U.S. laws that are just crazy! And some are still on the books!
In Ottumwa, Iowa, "It is unlawful for any male person, within the corporate limits of the (city), to wink at any female person with whom he is unacquainted."
In Los Angeles, you cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at thesame time.
In Zion, Ill., it is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars todogs, cats, and other domesticated animals kept as pets.
In Carmel, N.Y., a man can't go outside while wearing a jacket andpants that do not match.
In St. Louis, it's illegal to sit on the curb of any city streetand drink beer from a bucket.
In Hartford, Conn., you aren't allowed to cross a street while walking on your hands.
In Baltimore, it's illegal to throw bales of hay from a second-story window within the city limits. It's also illegal to take a lion to the movies.
In Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a more...