Urinal Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man went out drinking with his friends and came home the next morning to find his wife waiting for him.
He apologized for worrying her but proceeded to tell her that he had been in the most elegant bar in the world! "Everything was gold.. the carpets, the glasses, the cutlery, the curtains and even the urinal. Here... I have a book of matches in my pocket. Phone if you don't believe me."
The incredulous wife did just that and asked the manager, "Is everything in your establishment really gold?"
"Yes," he replied, "everything is gold colored."
" Even the urinal?" she queried.
The manager put his hand over the phone and said to his bartender, "This is the wife of that guy who relieved himself in the tuba last night."

A man went out drinking with his friends and came home the next morning to find his wife waiting for him. He apologized for worrying her but proceeded to tell her that he had been in the most elegant bar in the world! "Everything was gold.. the carpets, the glasses, the cutlery, the curtains and even the urinal. Here... I have a book of matches in my pocket. Phone if you don't believe me."
The incredulous wife did just that and asked the manager, "Is everything in your establishment really gold?"
"Yes," he replied, "everything is gold colored."
"Even the urinal?" she queried.
The manager put his hand over the phone and said to his bartender, "This is the wife of that guy who relieved himself in the tuba last night."

Restroom Poetry
The following are poems found inscribed in public restrooms
(fill in the blanks using your imagination):
Here I lie in stinky vapor,
Because some bastard stole the toilet paper,
Shall I lie, or shall I linger,
Or shall I be forced to use my finger.
Here I sit
Broken hearted
Tried to ****
But only farted
Here I sit
What a caper
I have to ****
But I'm out of paper
You're lucky
You had your chance
I tried to fart,
And **** my pants!
Some people come here to take a ****,
I came here to leave one.
Some come here to sit and think,
Some come here to **** and stink,
But I come here to scratch my balls,
And read the bull**** on the walls...
Here I sit, I'm at a loss
trying to **** out taco sauce.
When it comes, I hope and pray,
I don't blow my ass away
(Written high upon the wall)
If you can piss above this line,
the Hillsboro Fire Department wants more...

Ok guys, own up... which one are you? Excitable Type Pants are twisted, cannot find hole, rips pants in anger. Sociable Type Joins pals for a pee whether he wants one or not. Timid Type Cannot pee if anyone is watching, pretends he has been and sneaks back later. Nosy Type Peeps over partition to have a look at the other fellow's thingy. Indifferent Type All urinals being occupied, uses sink. Clever Type Pees without holding tool, shows off by adjusting tie at the same time, pees on foot. Vain Type Undoes 5 buttons when 2 will do. Absent-Minded Type Opens jacket, takes out tie, pees in pants. Worried Type Is not quite sure what he has been up to lately, makes a furtive but close inspection of tool while peeing. Disgruntled Type Stands for a while, grunts, farts, tries to pee, fails, farts again and walks out muttering. Conceited Type Holds 2-inch tool like a baseball bat while peeing. Sneaky Type Drops silent farts while peeing and looks at the guy next to him. Sloppy Type Pees on more...

1) Excitable - Shorts half-twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.
2) Sociable - Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.
3) Cross-eyed - Looks into the next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.
4) Timid - Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal, comes back later. 5) Indifferent - All urinals being used, pisses in sink.
6) Clever - No hands, fixes tie, looks around, usually pisses on floor.
7) Worried - Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.
8) Frivolous - Plays stream up, down and across urinal, tries to hit flies and bugs.
9) Absent-Minded - Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.
10) Childish - Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.
11) Sneaky - Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in other stall will be blamed.
12) Patient - Stands very close for a long time, reads with free hand.
13) Desperate - Waits in long line, teeth floating, more...

A man comes home late one night, drunk.
"Where have you been?"
asks his wife.
"In the Golden Bar! They have golden chairs, golden glasses, golden beer, and a golden urinal!" This sounds awfully suspicious to the wife, who calls the Golden Bar.
"Do you have golden chairs?"
"Yes."
"Do you have golden glasses?"
"Yes."
"Do you have golden beer?"
"Yes."
"Do you have a golden urinal?"
"Hold on."
On the other end, she hears "I think we have a line on the guy who pissed in your saxophone."

A PSYCHOLOGICAL STUDY OF TYPES OF MEN IN THE REST ROOM
EXCITABLE Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.
SOCIABLE Joins friends in piss, if he has to or not.
NOSEY Looks into urinal to see how other guy is fixed.
CROSSEYED Looks into urinal to the left, pisses into one in the middle,
flushes the one on the left.
TIMID Cannot urinate if someone is watching. Flushes urinal as
if he had gone, sneaks back later.
INDIFFERENT All urinals are being used, he pisses in sink.
CLEVER No hands, shows off by fixing tie, looks around, pisses on
the floor.
WORRIED Is not sure of what he has been doing lately, makes quick
inspection.
FRIVOLOUS Plays stream up and down urinal, tries to hit fly.
ABSENT MINDED Opens vest, pulls on tie, pisses in pants.
DISGUSTED Stands for awhile, gives up, walks away.
SNEAK Farts silently while leaking, acts innocent, hopes that the
man in the next stall will be blamed.
CHILDISH more...