Urine Jokes / Recent Jokes
Submitted By Jester
One day, Sam hurt is arm.
He went to his friend, who was a doctor, and asked him what was wrong with it. "I can't tell what's wrong with it, but there is this new computer at the pharmacy. You put a urine sample into it, and it tells you what's wrong with you, and how to cure it," his friend says.
Sam decided to try it out. He pees in a cup, goes to the pharmacy, and finds the computer. He places his urine in the computer, and pushed enter.
The Computer made some noises, and soon printed out a small piece of paper. It read: You're arm is sprained. Wrap it in an ace bandage, take 2 motrin a day (see perscription below) and don't use it for 2 weeks.
As sam was walking home, he wondered if the computer could be fooled. He decided to test it. He took a sample of his wife's lipstick, a hair from his daughter's brush, water from his dog's bowl, and some of his boogers, and mixed it together. He brought it more...
A young woman was in the hospital, recovering from major surgery. She hated being stuck in the tiny little room all day and to make matters worse, the daily routine was starting to get to her. Every morning, for example, the nurse would bring her breakfast (which always consisted of an egg, piece of toast, and glass of apple juice). She would then return a little bit later to empty the urine bottle. And so it continued... Finally, one morning, she decided to have a little fun. She ate the eggs and the toast, but went to the bathroom where she cleaned the urine bottle out, then poured the apple juice into it. When the nurse returned later that morning, he took a look at the bottle and a frown came over his face." Obviously, you enjoyed your breakfast, but something must be wrong because this looks a little cloudy," he said, pointing to the urine bottle." Oh, really?" she replied, picking up the bottle in question and putting it to her lips. "In that case, we'd more...
It is recounted that at King's College in the Strand around the time of the war, the Chief of Services would inevitably begin the year's rounds by teaching "a singularly important principle of medicine." He asked a nurse to fetch him a sample of urine. He then talked at length about diabetes mellitus. "Diabetes," he said, "is a greek name; but the Romans noticed that the bees like the urine of diabetics, so they added the word mellitus which means sweet as honey. Well, as you know, you may find sugar in the urine of a diabetic..."By now, the nurse had returned with a sample of urine which the registrar promptly held up like a trophy. We stared at that straw colored fluid as if we had never seen such a thing before. The registrar then startled us. He dipped a finger boldly into the urine, then licked his finger with the tip of his tongue. As if tasting wine, he opened and closed his lips rapidly. Could he perhaps detect a faint taste of sugar? The sample more...
"Convicted felon Martha Stewart met with her probation officer yesterday. She even had to give a urine sample, in which she tested positive for nutmeg." -Jimmy Kimmel
"Martha Stewart published her recipe for disaster -- mix one part arrogance with two parts incompetence, simmer in the juices and then serve hot in the can." -Jay Leno
"Tough times for Martha Stewart. Yesterday, Martha Stewart reported to her parole officer and had to take a mandatory urine test for cocaine and marijuana. Martha was found to be drug-free and her urine was found to be a lovely yellow saffron." -Conan O'Brien
"Martha Stewart was convicted of four counts of lying and obstruction of justice and could serve up to 20 years in Congress." -Craig Kilborn
"Martha Stewart was found guilty on all charges. You know what that means, stripes are in this year." -Jay Leno
"Earlier today, the jury at the Martha Stewart trial reached a verdict. more...
This is, like, so dumb...Instructions on how to Colect a Beaker of Cat's Urine 1.Treat the beaker like your most prized possession. 2.Solemnly intone the word "no" every time the cat approaches the beaker. 3.After completing steps #1 and #2, leave the cat alone with the beaker for thirty seconds.
One day Jim complained to his friend, "My elbow really
hurts, I guess I should see a doctor." His friend offered. "Don't do that.
There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything
quicker and cheaper than a doctor." Simply put in a sample of your urine
and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you
can do about it. It only cost $10."
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a
urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he
poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started
making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause
out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arms in warm water.
Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and
how it would change medical science forever, more...
Jim and Al are having lunch when Al says, "My elbow sure hurts. I guess I'd better go see the doctor."
"No, don't do that," Jim says. "There's no need to spend all that money. The corner drugstore has a new diagnostic computer. It's much quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you need to do is give it a urine sample, deposit ten bucks and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it."
Figuring he doesn't have anything to lose, Al takes a urine sample to the drugstore. He finds the computer, deposits his ten bucks and pours his urine sample into the slot. A few moments later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice daily and avoid heavy labor. It will improve in a couple of weeks.
That evening, while Al was thinking about how amazing this new technology was, he was also wondering whether the computer could be fooled. Deciding to give it a test, he mixed together some tap water, more...