Useful Jokes / Recent Jokes

What kind of fish is useful in freezing weather? Skate!

Ugly as a warthog and half as smart.

Unclear which of Newton's three laws of motion keeps his ears apart.

Understands English as well as any parrot.

Used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Useful as a chocolate teapot.

Useful as a football bat.

Useful as a hip pocket on a T-shirt.

Useful as a kickstand on a horse.

Useful as a mint-flavored suppository.

Useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle.

Useful as dinosaur repellent.

Useful as tits on a bullfrog / bull / boar-hog.

Uses all three functional neurons for his best work.

Uses his head best for rolling Easter eggs.

Uses his head to keep the rain out of his neck.

Galbraith`s Law of Human Nature: Faced with the choice between changing one`s mind and proving that there is no need to do so, almost everybody gets busy on the proof.

Gerrold`s Laws of Infernal Dynamics: 1. An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction. 2. An object at rest will always be in the wrong place. 3. The energy required to change either one of these states will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so much as to make the task totally impossible.

Gilb`s Laws Of Unreliability: 1) At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer. 2) Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable. 3) Udetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited. 4) Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on more...

God's Human DNA CodeFor many years molecular biologists have been mystified by the fact that verylittle of an organism's DNA seems to serve any useful function. I have solved the mystery. The reason why only 30% of human DNA performs any useful function is that therest of it is comments. Once we decode a typical human genome, we see that the contents begin asfollows: ===/* HUMAN_DNA.H * * Human Genome * Version 2.1 * * (C) God */ /* Revision history: * * 0000-00-01 00:00 1.0 Adam. * 0000-00-02 10:00 1.1 Eve. * 0000-00-03 02:11 1.2 Added penis code to male version. A bit messy - * will require a rewrite later on to make it neater. * 0017-03-12 03:14 1.3 Added extra sex drive to male.h; took code from * elephant-dna.c * 0145-10-03 16:33 1.4 Removed tail. * 1115-00-31 17:20 1.5 Shortened forearms, expanded brain case. * 2091-08-20 13:56 1.6 Opposable thumbs added to hand() routine. * 2501-04-09 14:04 1.7 Minor cosmetic improvements - skin colour made * darker to match my own image. * more...

Useful Work Phrases 1. Thank you. We`re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. 2. I don`t know what your problem is, but I`ll bet it`s hard to pronounce. 3. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don`t care. 4. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. 5. I`m not being rude. You`re just insignificant. 6. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. 7. How about never? Is never good for you? 8. I`m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me. 9. You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication. 10. I`ll try being nicer if you`ll try being smarter. 11. I`m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message. 12. I don`t work here. I`m a consultant. 13. It might look like I`m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I`m really quite busy. 14. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits. 15. I see you`ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

USEFUL PHRASES AT WORK:

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
I`m not being rude. You`re just insignificant.
I`m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
It might look like I`m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I`m really quite busy.
Thank you. We`re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
The fact that no one understands you doesn`t mean you`re an artist
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don`t care.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
It`s a thankless job, but I`ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
No, my powers can only be used for good.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I`m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me
You sound reasonable... Time to up more...

This is a true essay written by a Bihari candidate at
the UPSC(IAS)Examinations. candidate has written an essay on the Indian cow
You will forget your English by the time you finish
reading this.
Indian Cow
HE IS THE COW. "The cow is a successful animal. Also he is 4 footed, And because he is female, he give milks, [ but will do so when he is got child.] He is same like God, sacred to Hindus and useful to man.
But he has got four legs together. Two are forward and two are afterwards.
His whole body can be utilised for use. More so the
milk. Milk comes from 4 taps attached to his basement. [ horses dont have any such
attachment ]
What can it do? Various butter, cream, curd, why
and the condensed milk and so forth. Also he is useful to cobbler, watermans and mankind generally.
His motion is slow only because he is of lazy
species.Also his other motion.. [from the backyard] is much
useful to trees, plants as well as for making more...