Useful Jokes / Recent Jokes

Galbraith’s Law of Human Nature: Faced with the choice between changing one’s mind and proving that there is no need to do so, almost everybody gets busy on the proof.
Gerrold’s Laws of Infernal Dynamics: 1. An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction. 2. An object at rest will always be in the wrong place. 3. The energy required to change either one of these states will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so much as to make the task totally impossible.
Gilb’s Laws Of Unreliability: 1) At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer. 2) Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable. 3) Udetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited. 4) Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting more...

USEFUL PHRASES AT WORK:

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

No, my powers can only be used for good.

How about never? Is never good for you?

I'm really easy to get along more...

Ugly as a warthog and half as smart.
Unclear which of Newton’s three laws of motion keeps his ears apart.
Understands English as well as any parrot.
Used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Useful as a chocolate teapot.
Useful as a football bat.
Useful as a hip pocket on a T-shirt.
Useful as a kickstand on a horse.
Useful as a mint-flavored suppository.
Useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle.
Useful as dinosaur repellent.
Useful as tits on a bullfrog / bull / boar-hog.
Uses all three functional neurons for his best work.
Uses his head best for rolling Easter eggs.
Uses his head to keep the rain out of his neck.

USEFUL PHRASES AT WORK:
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
I`m not being rude. You`re just insignificant.
I`m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
It might look like I`m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I`m really quite busy.
Thank you. We`re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
The fact that no one understands you doesn`t mean you`re an artist
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don`t care.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
It`s a thankless job, but I`ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
No, my powers can only be used for good.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I`m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me
You sound reasonable... Time to up my more...

Traveling faster than light, but left his sneakers behind. Traveling without a passport/towel. Trips over cordless phones. Truck can't haul a full load. Trying out for the javelin retrieval team. Tuning in shortwave with a TV antenna. Two bits shy of a word/dollar. Two chapters short of a novel. Two degrees off square. Two inches taller than spherical. Two saucers short of a tea-service. Two sheep short of a sweater. Two socks short of a pair. Two suits short of a full deck. (A half-wit.) Types 120 words a minute but her keyboard isn't plugged in. Ugly as a warthog and half as smart. Unclear which of Newton's three laws of motion keeps his ears apart. Understands English as well as any parrot. Used to have a handle on life, but it broke. Useful as a chocolate teapot. Useful as a football bat. Useful as a hip pocket on a T-shirt. Useful as a kickstand on a horse. Useful as a mint-flavored suppository. Useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle. Useful as dinosaur repellent. Useful as tits on more...

This useful tool, commonly found in the range of 8 inches long. The functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes. Is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts of a clump of littly hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other. In use, it is inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements. Anyone found listening in will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some from its long glistening shaft. After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, more...

We Americans (defined as residents of the USA) frequently have problems with metric conversions. In an attempt to clarify the conversion process I now submit some "Useful Metric Conversions."
1 million microphones1 megaphone
2000 mockingbirdstwo kilomockingbirds
10 cards1 decacards
1 millionth of a fish1 microfiche
453.6 graham crackers1 pound cake
1 trillion pins1 terrapin
10 rations1 decoration
100 rations1 C-ration
10 millipedes1 centipede
3 1/3 tridents1 decadent
2 monograms1 diagram
8 nickels2 paradigms
2 wharves1 paradox
I hope this proves a useful tool.
"If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had 10 apostles."
- US Senator Jesse Helms