User Jokes / Recent Jokes

Husband - hey dear, I am logged in. Wife - would you like to have some snacks?
Husband - hard disk full. Wife - have you brought the saree.
Husband - Bad command or file name. Wife - but I told you about it in morning
Husband - erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel. Wife - hae bhagwan! forget it where`s your salary.
Husband - file in use, read only, try after some time. Wife - at least give me your credit card,
i can do some shopping.
Husband - sharing violation, access denied. Wife - i made a mistake in marrying you.
Husband - data type mismatch. Wife - you are useless.
Husband - by default. Wife - who was there with you in the car this morning?
Husband - system unstable press ctrl, alt, del to
Reboot. Wife - what is the relation between you your
Receptionist?
Husband - the only user with write permission. Wife - what is my value in your life?
Husband - unknown virus detected. Wife - do you love me or your more...

It is the user who should parameterize procedures, not their creators.

Prelude:
Here it is! The REAL Windows FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions) Version 4. 2e! The authors are still searching for more Windows/Microsoft/Bill Gates related experiences, short stories, origins and other jokes. Please send them to the support site mentioned at the end of this document.

01. Novice-Question: How do I recognize Windows?
If your screen is invaded by countless silly little icons no one is able to understand, if your computers speed is reduced to almost zero, if your hard disk is full, if you can't start your normal programs anymore, then indeed you have made the fatal mistake of acquiring Microsoft Windows!
02. Virgin-Questions: What exactly is Windows? Why do I need Windows?
Windows is a form of modern warfare. It's yet another attempt of the electronics industry to rape and destroy the minds of its unsuspecting victims. And of course you don't need Windows. It needs you. Bill Gates needs you to buy it to get even more rich and more...

The Technologically Challenged Just in case you think YOU are TC (technologically challenged), there'sstill hope:1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old (5-1/4") diskettes. After troubleshooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer had labeled the diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.5. A Dell more...

NEW PRODUCT: MICROSOFT CONTRACEPTIVES
Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every aspect of American life with the introduction of contraceptive'98, a suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex.
Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play.
It believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in penetrating the copulation enhancement market. The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation of human beings.
The Contraceptive'98 suite consists of three products: Condom'98, DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 from Norton Utilities). A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package.
The suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive'98 Professional is the Client/Server edition, for professionals in the sexual services sector. Contraceptive'98 Small Business more...

Husband (A Computer Teacher) Talking to his Wife:

Husband (returning late from work)

Husband: "Hi dear. I`m logged in".

Wife: Have you brought the grocery?

Husband: Bad command or file name.

Wife: But I told you in the morning?

Husband: Erroneous syntax. Abort, retry, cancel?

Wife: What about my new TV?

Husband: Variable not found.

Wife: At least, give me your credit card. I need to do some shopping.

Husband: Sharing violation. Access denied.

Wife: It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you.

Husband: Data type mismatch.

Wife: You are useless.

Husband: By default.

Wife: What about your salary?

Husband: File in use. Try after some time.

Wife: Who was in the car this morning?

Husband: System is unstable. Press ALT + CTRL + DEL to reboot.

Wife: Are you going to more...

Part 4 - (Opearting Systems)
------------------------
What kind of operating system is used by a Real Programmer? CP/M? God forbid - CP/M after all, is basically
a toy operating system. Even little old ladies and grade school students can understand and use CP/M.
Unix is a lot more complicated of course - the typical Unix hacker never can remember what the PRINT
command is called this week - but when it gets right down to it, Unix is a glorified video game. People don't
do Serious Work on Unix systems; they send jokes around the world on UUCP-net and write adventure games
and research papers.
No, your Real Programmer uses OS/370. A good programmer can find and understand the description of
IJK305I error (s)he just got in h(er)is JCL manual. A great programmer can write JCL without referring to
the manual at all. A truly outstanding programmer can find bugs burried in a 6 megabyte core dump without
using a hex calculator. (I have more...