Usual Jokes / Recent Jokes

Government as Usual:
The White House freed $250 million to promote a
new sex education program. "It teaches marital fidelity," says Argus
Hamilton. "It sure gets expensive when Bill Clinton and Dick Morris
start theorizing."

I received a greeting card from the old perfesser (T. O. P.) a
couple of days AFTER Christmas, with an added note full of his
usual holiday cheer:

Dear PBen, MrsPBen, and all the Little PBen's,
I'm writing from my daughters' casa, where we came to spend the
holidays. I'm still not sure why MrsPerfesser made me leave our
warm, comfortable trailer this time of year, but here we are.
This hasn't been my best Christmas, I can tell you that... silly
daughter and That Danged Thing She Calls A Husband bought me a 12
month gift membership to Weight Watchers! The nerve... if they
weren't holding my Grandbaby hostage, I think I'd change my will
and leave the Trailer to somebody more deserving, like the parking
lot sweeper over at Valdoster U.
Well, I got them back, at least a little. I got that sumbitchin'
son-in-law his OWN membership, in the Fruitcake Of The Month Club!
HAH! He'll never call me THAT again! And my more...

There was this artist, who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes, and had been working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for several months now.
As usual, his model reported, and after exchanging the usual greetings and small talk, she began to undress for the day's work.
He told her not to bother, as he felt pretty bad with a cold he had been fighting. He told her that he would pay her for the day, but that she could just go home; he just wanted some hot tea and then, off to bed.
The model said, "Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It's the least I can do."
He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup too. They were sitting in the living room just exchanging small talk and enjoying their tea, when he heard the front door open and close, then some familiar footsteps.
"Oh my God!" he whispered loudly, "It's my wife, Quick! Take all your clothes off."

Dave works hard at the plant, puts in a lot of overtime, and then spends most evenings bowling, playing basketball or working out at the gym. His wife, Mary, thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so, for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doing?"
Mary is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He works out at the gym with me."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser.
Mary is now becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser."
"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"
Mary, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of more...

(Brad, granted this is old, but I hadn't heard it in a while and smirked at it:)
A farmer decides that his 3 sows should be bred, and contacts his buddy
down the road, who owns 3 male pigs. They agree on a stud fee, and the
farmer puts the sows in his pickup and brings them down the road to the
males. He leaves them all day, and when he picks them up that night, asks
the man how he can tell if it 'took' or not. The breeder replies that
if, the next morning, the sows were grazing on grass, they were pregnant,
but if they were rolling in the mud as usual, they probably weren't...
Comes the morn, the sows are rolling in the mud as usual, so the farmer
puts them in the truck and brings them back for a second full day of
frolic. This continues for a week, since each morning the sows are
rolling in the mud.
About the sixth day, the farmer wakes up and tells his wife, "I don't
have the heart to look again. This is getting more...

Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym.
His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, “Hey, Dave, how ya doin? ”
His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. “Oh no, ” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team. ”
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, “You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser”.
“No, honey, she’s in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them. ”
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. “Hi Davey, ” she says, “Want your usual table dance? ”
Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the more...

I woke up early feeling a little depressed because it was my birthday and thought, Another year older, but decided to make the best of it. So I showered and shaved, knowing when I went down to breakfast, my wife would greet me with a big kiss and say "Happy Birthday, dear".
All smiles, I went into breakfast and there sat my wife reading the newspaper as usual. She didn't say one word. So I got myself a cup of coffee and thought to myself, oh well, she just forgot. The kids will be in in a few minutes all cheery and they will sing Happy Birthday and have a nice gift for me.
There I sat, enjoying my coffee, and I waited. Finally, the kids came running in yelling "Give me a slice of toast!", "I'm late!", and "Where is my coat?!", "I'm going to miss the bus!!". Feeling more for the office...
When I walked into the office, my secretary greeted me with a nice smile and a "Happy Birthday, boss", and said "I'll get more...