Valentines Jokes / Recent Jokes

Q: What did the light bulb say to the switch?
A: You turn me on.
Q: Did adam and eve ever have a date?
A: No, but they dad an apple.
Q: What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
A: Can I hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand?
Q: What did one snake say to the other snake?
A: Give me a little hug and a hiss, honey.
Knock, Knock,
Who's there?
Olive
Olive who?
Olive you!
Q: Who sends a thousand valentines cards signed "guess who"?
A: A divorce lawyer.
Q: What is the perfect breakup gift to give to someone for valentines day?
A: A copy of the book sex for dummies.
Q: What did the valentine card say to the stamp?
A: Stick with me and we'll go places!

Rules that guys wished girls knew..........
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see
if he can find the perfect present, again!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an
answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared
to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and
monster trucks.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like
every other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough more...

A man went to the market this last week to buy Valentines' cards for his daughter and mother. The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of cards astounded him. He muttered out loud, "I wonder if they have cards for ex-spouses." The clerk behind the counter said, "Oh, yes sir, they do have an' ex' category, but they're in Sporting Goods." "Really?" "Yes sir... they're called bullets!"

If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, 'What did you do?'

Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for your wife or girlfriend by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic. Every Valentines Day you rack your brains for that one special, unique gift that will show your wife or girlfriend that you really love them more than anything.

Now ladies, I'll let you in on a little secret.... guys really don't
enjoy this that much. Sure seeing that smile on your face when we get it right is priceless, but that smile is the result of weeks of blood, sweat and consideration. Another secret.... guys feel left out. That's right... left out. There's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or just too embarrassed to admit it.

Which is why a new holiday has been created.

March 20th is now officially "Steak and Blowjob Day". Simple, effective and more...