Vampire Jokes / Recent Jokes

Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")? A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff. Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"? A: There was an empty seat. Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? A: An offer you can't understand. Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses? A. From chasing parked ambulances. Q. Where can you find a good lawyer? A. In the cemetery. Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo? A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time. Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A. A vampire only sucks blood at night. Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him? A: It might be your bicycle. Q: Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt? A: Because deep down, they're really good people. Q: What does a lawyer use for birth-control? A: His personality. Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should? A: Stick his bill up his ass.

...my neighbor is a marketing genius and a recycling nut. She recycles everything, but this time she has gone too far. Now she wants to recycle her used tampons and market them as tea bags for vampires.

A vampire walked into a pub and went up to the bar and asked can I have a pint of blood, mate? The barman looks at his suspiciously and then says sorry mate we do not sell blood. The vampire walks out and walks into the next pub and the same reply was given as before. He starts to get annoyed and so he walks into the pub at the end of the road and asks the barman can I have a pint of hot water please, mate? The barman looks at him and then gives him the pint of hot water. He then asks whats with the hot water? The vampire pulls out his tampon and says tea-time!!

a vampire walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint of blood, naturally the barman tells him to get lost. an hour later another vampire walks into a bar and asks for a pint of blood, again the baraman tells him to get lost. an hour later another vampire walks into the bar, but before he can say anything the barman says "i guess you want a pint of blood" the vampire replies " no thanks a pint of warm water will do just fine" the barman then exclaims " but all the other vampires wanted blood" the vampire then pulls out a used tampon from his pocket and says "its all right, ive got a teabag"

Once upon a time, three vampires met in some place in night. Apparently, each one of them was boasting about their vampiric abilities to one another.
Vampire A said, "Look at that mansion over there! I can finish all of its inhabitants within 10 minutes!"
And so he flew to the mansion, and 9 minutes later, he came back with his mouth filled with blood, looking satisfied with himself.
Vampire B then said, "Bah! Look at that village over there! Give me 5 minutes!"
He flew to the village, returned at the next 5 minutes, with his mouth filled with dripping red blood.
Vampire C then yelled, "Pffft! Look at the TOWN over there! Give me 3 minutes!"
He flew to the direction of the town, and one minute later, he returned with his mouth filled with blood.
Vampire A and B stared at him with amazement, then immediately asked, "How come you have such speed, friend?"
Vampire C pointed at a direction, then asked them, "Do more...

What is Draculas favorite pudding? Leeches and scream.

Two nuns are on vacation in Transylvania. Despite all the warnings to the contrary, they've stayed out after dark. Sure enough, as they're driving along, a vampire flies out of the night and lands on their windshield, hissing and baring his horrible bloody fangs.
"Dear Lord! What shall we do?" cries the first nun.
"Turn on the windshield wipers. Maybe that will break his grip," answers the second nun.
No luck. Now the vampire is wet and angry. He claws at the windshield.
"Now what shall we do?" yells the first nun, getting even more scared.
"Weave the car back and forth. Maybe he'll fall off," says the second nun.
No luck. The vampire is beating on the glass now, and it's starting to crack.
"NOW WHAT!?!?!" cries the first nun.
The second nun tries to remember how to get rid of vampires. She has a sudden flash of insight. "Show him your cross!" she yells, triumphantly.
The second nun sticks more...