Vanity Jokes / Recent Jokes

Alice and Monica were having a rare heart-to-heart talk.

"What do you consider your worst vice," Alice asked.

"I don't like to admit it," Monica said, "but my worst vice is vanity.

Sometimes I sit in front of the mirror and just admire my face."

"I wouldn't worry about it," said Alice. "That's not vanity. That's imagination."

Dear Connie,
I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait any more. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact.
In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride has cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad any more. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.
Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says "There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not
even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Raffles and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to more...

"Vanity Fair Magazine" is canceling its annual Oscars party. They explained that having Tommy Lee Jones hanging around the other stars didn't fit their definitions of either "vanity" or "fair".

Excerpt from an article by Mike Nichols of the Fort Worth Star-Telegram
concerning the photo of a very pregnant Demi Moore on the cover of
Vanity Fair:
The photo... tweaks our cultural ambivalence about nudity.
Take off all your clothes and walk down the street waving a machete and
firing an Uzi, and terrified citizens will phone the police and report:
"There's a naked person outside!"

Potential Viagra Slogans:

10.' Viagra, The quicker dicker upper'
9.' Viagra, One-a-day, like iron'
8.' Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight'
7.' Viagra, Home of the whopper'
6.' Viagra, It plumps when you take' em'
5.' Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman'
4.' Viagra, Tastes great, more filling'
3.' Viagra, Six inches long... and growing.'
2.' Viagra, We work harder, so you don't have to'
. ....and the number one slogan being considered by Viagra:
1.' This is your penis. This is your penis on Viagra. Any questions?'

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Q. What's the difference betwen an Irish and a Jewish husband?
A. The first buys Viagra; the second buys Pfizer.

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An Oregon resident made enough capital gain on his Pfizer stock to buy himself a new Mercedes Convertable. He then tried to honor the product which had more...