Vicar Jokes / Recent Jokes

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the vicar with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out."
He passed the clergyman the cash and walked away satisfied.
The wedding day arrives, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the vicar looks the young man in the eye and says, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."
The more...

A golfer was having a round of golf with the local vicar. The golfer took his birdie put, but then a gust of wind blew the ball just wide of the hole. The golfer, being very bad tempered, then exclaimed "Damn - missed the bugger!".
The vicar said to the man "Please do not use foul language again."
They moved onto the next hole and exactly the same thing happened - a gust of wind blew the ball just wide. Once again the golfer shouted "Damn - missed the bugger!"
This annoyed the vicar, so he turned to the man and said "Please do not use bad language again, or the heavens shall open and God will strike you down with a bolt of lightning!"
But once again, on the next hole a gust of wind blew the ball just wide, and the golfer screamed "Damn - missed the bugger!"
As soon as he said this the heavens opened and a lightning bolt shot down and struck the vicar.
Then God's voice boomed "Damn - missed the bugger!"

A rich man went to his vicar and said, "I want you and your wife to take a three-month trip to the Holy Land at my expense. When you come back, I'll have a surprise for you". The vicar accepted the offer, and he and his wife went off to the Middle East.Three months later they returned home and were met by the wealthy parishioner, who told them that while they were gone, he had had a new church built. "It's the finest building money can buy, vicar," said the man. "No expense was spared." And he was right. It was a magnificent edifice both outside and in.But there was one striking difference. There was only one pew, and it was at the very back. "A church with only one pew?" asked the vicar."You just wait until Sunday," the rich man said.When the time came for the Sunday service, the early arrivals entered the church, filed onto the one pew and sat down. When the pew was full, a switch clicked silently, a circuit closed, the gears meshed, more...

In a small country game, the bishop was taking part and was at the crease. The bowler was the local vicar who sent down a wide ball.' I say,' called the bishop,' keep it in the parish, would you?'
The vicar ran up, bowled, and knocked the middle stump out of the ground.
'I think that's about the diocese, my lord,' he said.

A man and a vicar were playing golf one day, and the man was not having a good game.
"Oh, darn, I've missed!" he said at the first green, missing an easy putt. "Oh, darn, I've missed again!" he said at the second green as he missed another easy putt.
And so it went on - every time he played a bad shot, he would say "Oh, darn, I've missed!"
The vicar put up with this for half the round, but then felt he owed it to the dignity of his calling to remonstrate with the man.
"You really must not keep using such dreadful language," said the vicar "or the lord may well strike you down!"
Just as the words were out of his mouth, there came a jagged flash of lightning - and in a split-second, the vicar was burnt to a crisp! Above the rolling thunder-clouds, a deep voice said "Oh, darn, I've missed...!"

( Apologies to all to whom this is not culturally relevant! )
A joke told to me by one of the staff at church on Sunday:
The somewhat old and crusty vicar was taking a well-earned retirement from
his rather old and crusty parish. As is usual in these cases, a locum was
sent to cover the transition period. This particular man was young and
active, and had the strange notion that church should also be active and
exciting. As a consequence he was more than a little disapointed with the
dull and tradition-bound church. He decided to do something about it.
For his first Sunday, he didn't wear the traditional robes and vestments,
but lead the service wearing a nice 2-piece suit. The congregation was
horrified! He changed the order of the service. The congregation was
horrified! Then came the children's lesson.
For this he came out of the pulpit, and sat on the communion table.
The congregation was mortified! He sat there more...