Violent Jokes / Recent Jokes
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, "The big sissy."
In recent days, much has been written about the change in our national mood, and how the tragic attacks will affect the entertainment industry.
After consulting with industry leaders, we have taken the initiative and drafted the following guidelines for comedy and for action movies. These rules are effective as of October 1.
COMEDY RULES
Until further notice, all violent humor is to be replaced by sexist humor.
Similarly, all ethnic humor is to be replaced by obesity humor.
Jokes about death are to be replaced by jokes about long-term illness.
Jokes about long-term illness are to be replaced by jokes about minor injury.
Any stand-up comic who does a routine about airplanes is to be accompanied onstage by a federal marshal. (We should have done this years ago.)
No comedy is to be directed at countries with valuable airspace.
From now on, irony can only be deployed when referring to the following:
black flies in Chardonnays
free rides when more...
ONCE a violent quarrel broke out between husband and wife. The wife picked up her belan (rolling pin) and advanced menacingly towards her husband.
"Don't break the belan, "pleaded the husband, "it costs money."
"It is my property and I'll do what I like with it," shrieked the wife.
The husband ran and hid under a charpoy. "Come out, you coward!" roared the wife, "You were so concerned about the belan which belongs to me."
"This house belongs to me," replied the husband, "I can hide wherever I like."
CHEMICAL ANALYSIS
> > Element: Woman
> > Symbol: Wo
> > Discoverer: Adam
> >
> > Quantitative analysis: Accepted at 36-28-36, though isotopes ranging
from
> > 25-10-20 through 60-55-60 have been identified.
> >
> > Occurance: Found wherever man is, but seldom in the highly reactive,
> > energetic single state. Surplus quantities in all urban areas.
> >
> > Physical properties: Undergoes spontaneous dehydrolysis (weeps) at
> > absolutely nothing and freezes at a moments notice. Totally
> > unpredicatble. Melts when properly treated, very bitter if not well
used.
> > Found in many states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
> > Non-magnetic, but attracted coins and sports cars. In its natural
state > > the specimen varies considerably, but is often changed
artificially so > > well that the change is indiscernable except to the
experienced eye.
> >
> > more...
One night, during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her young son into bed.
As she was about to turn off the light, he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't, dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice, "The big sissy."
An airliner flew into a violent thunderstorm and was soon swaying and bumping around the sky.
One very nervous lady happened to be sitting next to a clergyman and turned to him. “Can't you do something? ” she demanded angrily.
“I'm sorry ma'am, ” the reverend said gently, “I'm in sales, not management. ”