Visiting Jokes / Recent Jokes

The Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet. He goes up to ahot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, whopays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. "Wheres mychange?" asks the Zen Master. The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."

Your co-worker tells you they have eight body piercings - and none
are visible.
When someone says "tenderloin" - you don't think steak. You think
danger.
You make well over $100,000 and you still can't find a nice place
to live.
You think anyone who drives a car to work is decadent.
You keep a list of companies to boycott.
You would never dream of crossing a picket line.
You take the bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a
conversation in English.
You realize there are far more Rainbow flags in the city than
California State Flags.
The guy who cuts your hair is straight, and your plumber is gay.
The woman who delivers your mail is straight and your Mary Kay
Lady is gay.
Old friends you haven't talked to in years suddenly call and ask
do you have a spare bedroom for a weekend?
You think anyone wearing a George Clooney haircut is visiting from
the Midwest.
You can't remember... Is pot still more...

Once when the Pope is visiting U. S. A, he suddenly feels like driving the car.
He says to his driver,"I would like to drive the car for today".
But the driver says,"You don't have a licence sir & You don't know how to drive".
Pope says,"You have to obey me or else you will have to go to prison".
The poor driver had to give the wheel to him. The pope drove like a manic since he didn't know how to drive a car. A Police Officer seeing this signaled to stop the car. Pope stoped the car after his driver told him that the Police Officer singnaled him to stop. When the Police Officer came to the driver's window, he stared at the Pope for a moment and looked at the passenger's seat and started staring at the driver. Then he took out his walkie-talkie and called the President and said,"Sir, We have a Very Important Person here. I don't know him but Pope is his driver."

A visiting conventioneer from Saskatchewan walked into a bar in Greenwich Village and sat next to a rather attractive woman."Hi," he said, "I'm new in town. Can I buy you a drink?""Get lost," she remarked, "I am Lesbian.""Oh, really?" he asked, "How are things in Beiruit?"

A visiting golfer was keen to play but the only person in the clubhouse was an old man accompanied by his dog.
The old man said, "I'll play with you provided the dog can come with us." On the first tee the old man hit the ball 250 yds down the fairway. The dog sat on his hind legs and started applauding.
The next shot from the old man landed on the green. Once more the dog sat on his hind legs and applauded.
The old man's third shot of a 20 foot putt went right down the hole.
Once again the dog sat on it's hind legs and applauded.
The visitor said, "Does that dog of yours applaud every shot you take?"
The old man said, "No, when I hit a bad shot he turns summersaults."
"How many summersaults does he turn?"
The old man said, " Depends how hard I kick it in the balls!

Northerners visiting the South Information for Northerners Visiting the Southern StatesIf you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the south, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in life styles:1. If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel-drive pickup truck with a 12-pack of beer and a towchain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.2. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store.3. Remember: "Y'all" is singular, "All y'all" is plural, and "All y'alls'" is plural possessive.4. Get used to hearing "You ain't from around here, are ya?"5. You may hear a Southerner say "Oughta!" to a dog or child. This is short for "Y'all oughta not do that!" and is the equivalent of saying "No!"6. Don't be worried more...

Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turnedto an attendant standing nearby." This," she said, "I suppose, is one of thosehideous representations you call modern art?" "No, madam," replied the attendant. "That one's called a mirror."