Visiting Jokes / Recent Jokes

This is supposedly true story from a recent Defence Science Lectures Series, as related by the head of the Australian DSTO's Land Operations/Simulation division.

They've been working on some really nifty virtual reality simulators, the case in point being to incorporate Armed Reconnaisance Helicopters into exercises (from the data fusion point of view). Most of the people they employ on this sort of thing are ex- (or future) computer game programmers.

Anyway, as part of the reality parameters, they include things like trees and animals. For the Australian simulation they included kangaroos. In particular, they had to model kangaroo movements and reactions to helicopters (since hordes of disturbed kangaroos might well give away a helicopter's position).

Being good little programmers, they just stole some code (which was originally used to model infantry detachments reactions under the same stimuli), and changed the mapped icon, the speed parameters, more...

A minister is visiting his children to celebrate Christmas. When
he walks into the house, he sees a beautiful nativity set.

His granddaughter walks up to him, and he asks her if she knows
what it is.

She replies, "Yes... it's breakable."

-- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

Christmas was fast approaching when Mom reminded her eight-year-old
son that he would soon be visiting with Santa Claus.

He seemed unusually resistant to the idea.

"You do believe in Santa, don't you?" Dawn finally asked her son.

He thought hard, then said, "Yes, but I think this is the last year."

A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldnt find it, so she asked a police officer for directions, "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?"The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. Itll take you right there." She thanked the officer and he drives off. Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?"The blonde replied, "Dont worry, officer, it wont be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"

Northerners visiting the South Information for Northerners Visiting the Southern States

If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the south, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in life styles:

1. If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel-drive pickup truck with a 12-pack of beer and a towchain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

2. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store.

3. Remember: "Y'all" is singular, "All y'all" is plural, and "All y'alls'" is plural possessive.

4. Get used to hearing "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

5. You may hear a Southerner say "Oughta!" to a dog or child. This is short for "Y'all oughta not do more...

Two gay men were visiting a zoo, when they found themselves at the gorilla cage. The gorilla was sitting there with a huge erection. Unable to contain himself one of the men reaches in to touch it.
As soon as his arm goes into the cage, the gorilla grabs him, and takes him into the cage... slams him to the floor and fucks him senseless.
A few days later in hospital the boyfriend visits and asks his partner if he is hurt...
"Hurt..Hurt.. You bet I'm hurt. He hasn't phoned, he hasn't written..."

A fellow was visiting the Vatican and became separated from his tour group.
After wandering for awhile, he needed to relieve himself. He finally found a
bathroom and wandered in. You can imagine his surprise to discover the Pope
sitting on the toilet masturbating. Figuring that this would be an attraction
few tourists ever saw, he snapped a couple of pictures. The Pope managed to
recover his composure and offered the fellow $10,000 for the camera. The
fellow decide to take him up on the offer and an exchange was arranged.
The camera was a pretty nice unit, so, after disposing of the film, the Pope
decided he would use it on his world travels. One day while visiting a foreign
country, one of the faithful noticed the Pope's camera and remarked that it
was quite a unit. He then asked:
"How much did you pay for it?"
"Ten thousand dollars."
"Wow, the guy who sold you that must have seen you coming!"
Mark

Northerners visiting the South Information for Northerners Visiting the Southern StatesIf you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the south, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in life styles: 1. If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel-drive pickup truck with a 12-pack of beer and a towchain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for. 2. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store. 3. Remember: "Y'all" is singular, "All y'all" is plural, and "All y'alls'" is plural possessive. 4. Get used to hearing "You ain't from around here, are ya?"5. You may hear a Southerner say "Oughta!" to a dog or child. This is short for "Y'all oughta not do that!" and is the equivalent of saying "No!"6. Don't be worried more...