Voices Jokes / Recent Jokes
A man entered a bar, sat down and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he suddenly heard a voice say, "Nice shirt."
He looked around and saw that the bar was empty, except for himself and the bartender.
He took a few more sips and this time the voice said, "Cool tie."
At this, the man called the bartender over.
"I must be losing my mind," he said to the bartender. "I keep hearing voices saying nice things to me, but there's no one in here but us."
"Oh," chuckled the bartender, "it's the peanuts."
"It's the what?" asked the man in disbelief.
"You heard me," replied the bartender. "It's the peanuts... they're complimentary."
Morris was passing a small courtyard and heard voices murmuring.He went in and saw an altar with a large zero in the middle anda banner that said 'N I L'. White-robed people were kneeling before the altar chanting hymnsto The Great Nullity, The Blessed Emptiness, and The Big Zero inthe Sky. Morris turned to a white-robed observer beside him and wispered,... "Is Nothing Sacred?"
Hark the bar room voices sing
Out of tune and everything
Christmas time and lets go wild
Make the persian gulf look mild
Let's get drunk and all fall down
Take the car and speed thru town
Wrap yourself around a pole
Put your family on the dole
Hark the bar room voices scream
Pass the jug of irish cream
Get up early christmas dawn
Yawn the technicolor yawn
Kids are howling with delight
You were out too late last night
Even smiling hurts your head
Open gifts, go back to bed
Hark the bar room voices bark
Where's the jug of cutty sark
Christmas comes home once a year
Don't you think you should be there
People love you, don't be jerky
Go home, eat some christmas turkey
Hug someone and then you say
Have a happy holiday
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
A teacher asked a pupil a question, but she could barely hear the child speaking since the other kids were making too much noise. In an attempt to quiet them, she said, "I can hear voices!"
Two janitors outside heard the teacher and one said to the other, "Jeez, she better stop telling the kids about her mental problems!"
I do whatever the voices tell me to. It depends on who yells the loudest.