Waking Jokes / Recent Jokes

Waking up with a terrible hangover after the office Christmas party, Jack turned to his wife. "Jesus, would you believe I can't remember a thing that happened last night!"
"It's just as well," replied Mary. "You got into an argument with your boss and he fired you."
"He did!" shouted Jack. "After all I've done for him, too! Well, screw the bastard!"
"I did," said Mary. "You go back to work tomorrow."

The BEST part of waking up? Hitting the snooze button and going back to sleep.

Compiled by Harold Reynolds and updated on December 6, 1994

1. Introduction

The following is a manual of guidelines for the busy cat(s) who will have a house to manage after adopting one or more humans. It is, of course, impossible to cover all possible situations, as those humans are always up to some sort of mischief, but the compiler and contributors to this guide have endeavoured to cover as wide a variety of topics as possible. It is important that this document be kept out of the hands of humans, who will undoubtedly find a way to use it to their advantage.

2. Food

In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed now; and hunting for it oneself. The following are some guidelines for getting fed.

a) When the humans are eating, make sure more...

Doctor: What Has Happened To You?
Patient: I Am Feeling Ill. Pls Give Me Some Medicine
Doctor: I Will Give U Three Pills, Eat Them After Sleeping & Before Waking Up.

Once A Patient Comes To A Doctor And Says:"Doctor! Doctor! Before Waking Up I Can't Sleep & Before Sleeping I Cant Wake". The Doctor Got Confused And After Thinking For A Long Time He Said:"Then, Take These Four Tablets, Eat Two Before Waking And Two After Sleeping'.

Waking up after a restless night, the wife turned to her husband and frowned. "I can't believe itl All night long you kept cursing me in your sleep!"
The husband replied, "Who was sleeping?"

Marriage counselor to female client: Maybe your problem is that you've been waking up grumpy every morning.
Client: No, I always let him sleep.