Weighs Jokes / Recent Jokes

A fellow is ordered by his doctor to lose a minimum of 75 pounds because of the serious health risks involved with being so overweight. Baffled as to how on earth he was ever going to be able to accomplish this, he runs across an ad in the newspaper for a 'Guaranteed Weight Loss Program'.
Skeptical, but desperate, he calls them and subscribes to the 3 day/10 lb weight loss program.
The next day there's a knock on his door and when he answers it, standing before him is a a voluptuous, athletic, beautiful, 20 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes, and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign around her neck reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!" Without giving it a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.
After they finish, she leaves and he thinks to himself, "I really more...

What weighs 4 tons and is bright red? An elephant holding its breath!

A fellow was ordered by his Dr. to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM." Guaranteed like hell" he thought to himself, but desperate, he calls them and subscribes to the 3 day/10 pound weight loss program. The next day there is a knock at his door and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, beautiful, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes, and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weightloss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!" Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!" The same girl shows up for the next more...

Three Indian women are sitting side by side. The first, sitting on a goatskin, has a son who weighs 170 pounds. The second, sitting on a deerskin, has a son who weighs 130 pounds. The third, seated on a hippopotamus hide, weighs 300 pounds. What famous theorem does this illustrate?
The squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides!

George W Bush, Dick Cheny and Bush's mama, Barbara, are having a holiday at the North Pole. George W weighs. .. Well, we know how light he is. Cheny weighs so much, and Miss Barabara, well, we won't mention a lady's weight. One day, the three of them are having a trip on a sleigh.

Suddenly, they see a polar bear behind them. Quickly, they throw out all the luggage behind them, but this doesn't help: the bear comes closer.

They realise that one of the three will have to sacrifice himself or herself so that the two others will be able to escape.

"You should do it", George W. says to Cheny, "The bear will need more time to eat you then to eat me. We can't expect Mama, here, to fight the bear."

"I guess you're right", Cheny says. As he jumps out of the sleigh, he shouts, "For the G-O-P!", and gets killed by the bear.

"Thank God for my brains", George W. says, smirks. But, the bear more...

Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
You have the taxidermist's number on speed-dial.

1. George Washington isn't the first president. He was the first elected president.
2. Men are 6 times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
3. It is estimated that millions of trees in the world are accidently planted by squirrels who bury nuts and forget where they hid them.
4. Ernest Vincent Wright wrote a novel,"Gadsby", which contains over 50,000 words-none of them with the letter "E".
5. Of all the words in the English laguage, the word "set" has the most definitions.
6. A toothpick is the object most often choked on by Americans.
7. Every 45 seconds, a house catches on fire in the United States.
8. The sun is 330,330 times larger than the Earth.
9. A mole can dig 300 feet in just one night.
10. Ancient Egyptians slept on pillows made of stone.
11. A hippo can open it's mouth wide enough to fit a 4 foot tall child inside.
12. A quarter has 119 grooves on it's edge, a dime has one less more...