Whilst Jokes / Recent Jokes
The unhappy woman
One day, whilst Hette Levine was out shopping in Brent Cross, she noticed an old lady sitting on a bench sobbing her eyes out. Hette stopped and asked her what was wrong.
The old lady said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
Hette said, "Well, then why are you crying?"
The old lady continued, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favourite cake and then makes love to me for half the afternoon".
Hette asked again, "Well, why are you crying?"
The old lady continued, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favourite dessert and then makes love to me until 2 o’clock in the morning.
Hette asked yet again, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
The old lady replied, "I can`t remember where I live!"
Scam alert!!!
Please note that whilst shopping at the local supermarket you may be approached by two busty 18 to 20 year olds who will offer to help you put your shopping in the back of your car. As payment they will want a ride to the next supermarket.
Whilst in the car they will proceed to kiss each other, rub their breasts against each other and then offer to satisfy you.
Once you reach the next supermarket you will notice your wallet has been stolen!!
I lost mine on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and twice on Friday !!!
One day John decides to invite Mark on a trip on his private jet. Whilst on this luxury aeroplane Mark asks where the toilet is. John shows him and says to him "inside there are 3 buttons, whatever you do don't press the third one." Mark proceeds to the toilet and does his business. Whilst sitting on the toilet he presses the first button. Suddenly his privates are cleaned thoroughly. He enjoys this and presses the second button. Dryers appear and dry his privates. He is intrigued to find out what button 3 does, so he pushes it. The next thing Mark sees is John staring at him... "what happened?" Mark asks shakily. "Well you pressed the third button and now you are in hospital." "Why do my privates hurt so bad?" Mark asked anxiously..John replies "Well you activated the automatic tampon remover."
One day John decides to invite Mark on a trip on his private jet. Whilst on this luxury areoplane Mark asks where the toilet is. John shows him and says to him 'inside there are 3 buttons, whatever you do dont press the third one.' Mark proceeds to the toilet and does his business. Whilst sat on the toilet he presses the first button. Suddenly his privates are Cleaned thoroughly. He enjoys this and presses the scond button. Then dryers appear and dry his privates. He is intrigued to fin out what button 3 does. The next thing mark sees is John staring at him... 'what happened?' mark asks shakily. Well you pressed the third button and now you are in hospital. ''Why do my privates hurt'' mark asked anxiously..John replies ''Well you activated the automatic tampon remover.''
A middle-aged man marries a younger woman but discovers that no matter what he does in bed, she won't orgasm. So he takes the problem to his doctor who explains that maybe fantasy is the answer.
So the man hires a young, charming male escort and has him stand naked and waving a towel over the couple whilst they are having sex, to still no avail.
The man goes back to his doctor who suggests trying the scene oppositely, with the escort having sex with the woman whilst the man waves the towel.
Now becoming desperate, the man gets the same escort and tries the doctor's method. Soon the woman bursts into a great orgasm and the man throws down the towel, taps the escort on the shoulder and shouts triumphantly, "See, that's how you wave a bloody towel!"
Women:
Car Parking:
The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman, was one of 19.36m equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by Mrs. Caroline Wizz (GB) driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova Swing on 12th October 1993. She started the manoeuvre at 11:15am in Ropergate, Pontefract and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement, 8 hours 14mins later. There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings of her own and the two adjoining cars, as well as shop frontage and two lampposts.
Incorrect Driving:
The longest journey completed with the handbrake on, was one of 313 miles from Stranraer to Hollyhead, by Dr. Julie Thorn, at the wheel of a Saab 900 on 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning two miles into her journey at Aird, but pressed on to Hollyhead with smoke billowing from the rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for the longest completed with the choke fully out and the right indicator flashing.
Video more...
One day a young girl accidentally walks in to the bathroom whilst her mother is taking a shower. Shocked she looks down at her mothers lower regions and asks "Mummy whats that???". Her mother blushingly replies "Ohh thats my little hedgehog" and then tells the girl to leave room. About 2 weeks later the young girl is visiting her grandmother, when she accidentaly walks in to the bathroom whilst she's taking a bath. Shocked she points to her grandmother lower regions and says "Grandma whats that?", to which her grandmother replied "Ohh that's my little hedgehog". At this point the girl ran out of the bathroom screaming and ran toward her mother, shouting and crying "Mummy, Mummy Grandma's hedgehog is dead". "Why??" asks her mother, "Because all its guts are hanging out replied the girl"