Wonderful Jokes / Recent Jokes

Most all bachelors have been the victims of a blind date.
Numerous well meaning friends and relatives are always willing to "fix up" unsuspecting bachelors with girls whom they describe as "perfect for you".
However, from the description given, it is difficult to imagine what these girls may be like. After considerable research, as a public service, I have attempted to translate some of these descriptive
phrases into plain English:
dandy little house keeper:
She has been married three times and kept all the houses
fine character:
She's ugly
knows how to handle money:
She's a spendthrift and great at spending yours
spotless reputation:
She's ugly
strong family ties:
She's a Mafia Princess
loves children:
She's pregnant and needs a husband
wonderful personality:
She's fat
great sense of humor:
She's fat and will laugh at anything you say
the outdoor type:
She hunts, fishes, chews more...

A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend. After hours of making love, they're just laying there, when the phone rings.
Since it is her house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover watches her and listens, only being able to hear her side of the conversation.
Speaking in a cheerful voice, she says, "Hello? Oh, hi there. I'm so glad you called. Really? Oh, that's wonderful. I'm very happy for you. It all sounds terrific. Thanks. Okay. Bye for now."
"Who was it?" her lover asks, as she hangs up the phone.
"Oh, that was my husband," she replies. "He was telling me what a wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

There once was a man who had a terrible love for baked beans. The problem was that everytime he ate them he got horrible gas.He met a wonderful woman and they fell in love. After dating for some time he asked her to marry him. She said yes but only under one condition, if he would stop eating beans. She couldn't stand the affect they made on him. Well, him loving her so much agreed.
A few years later on the man's birthday he was driving home from work early because his wife wanted to make a nice dinner for him. On his way home though the car broke down. So he called his wife from a pay phone and said he was going to be late. Well, on his way home he passed by a restaurant that was letting out the wonderful aroma of baked beans. He decided that if he had some he would be able to walk of the ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ended up ordering 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. So on his way home he was pooting and tooting the whole way there. By the time he got more...

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.' Wow, this is great,' he thought.

It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

"Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"
"Yes. Come and join us," they cried.

Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. I tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked.

"Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them."

This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating more...

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.

'Wow, this is great,' he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

'Hey,' he called.' I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?' Yes. Come and join us,' they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so
good.' What else do you wild rabbits do?' he asked.' Well,' one of them said.' You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.' This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful.

Later, he asked them again,' more...

I ran into Bill at work yesterday. He had been out for a few days with the flu. I asked him how he was feeling.

"I'm better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience." he replied.

"Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?" I asked in stunned disbelief.

"Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know that whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them? I could hear her excitedly saying' My husband is home! My husband is home!'"

The world is full of wonderful, diverse individuals and we must accept them as they are...even if most of them are quite stupid.